Dawn in the Night
by MakeupGirl
Summary: Sequel to The Accomplice. After Kaoru's death, Kenshin struggles to find the will and strength to move on with his life and raise his son. Written as Kenshin's journal entries and memories from Tomoe and Kenji.
1. Prologue

***This sequel is written a bit differently than The Accomplice. Dawn in the Night is an account of Kenshin's life after Kaoru. These are entries from Kenshin's journal that Kaoru now possesses in her own time, as well as some memories from Tomoe and Kenji's point of view. Kenshin's journal entries are the ones with a date heading the section, Tomoe and Kenji's memories just start as dialogue. Enjoy!

**Prologue**

"Grandma, Grandma! Tell us the story again!" A warm smile spread across the old woman's face, the wrinkles lining her mouth and eyes crinkling, her eyes lit with pleasure and happiness.

"All right, girls, sit down around me and settle in for a long story. Because a long one, it is." The two small girls settled themselves on the ground around the small couch the woman rested on, propping themselves up with their already present pillows and blankets. Their grandmother had never refused to tell them the story, so they knew to bring everything they needed with them from the beginning. It cut back on the time they had to wait to hear the already memorized tale.

"Once upon a time, there was a girl named Kamiya Kaoru, who lived in America, in the year 2000. One day as she was studying Japanese history, she came across files of her namesake- a Kamiya Kaoru who was a shadow accomplice for the evil Choshu clan. As Kaoru was studying, she fell asleep, and when she awoke, she discovered that she had been transported back in time to 1866 in Japan. And as Kaoru started to learn more, she realized that the Kamiya Kaoru in the files was none other than herself: a shadow accomplice for a man who lived in Kyoto, Japan, by the name of Battousai, the manslayer…"


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_June 23rd, 1867_

Every day gets harder and harder to bear. I feel almost as if my heart is being crushed by some unseen weight. I know I cannot remain here for much longer- I will surely die if I do. Everywhere I go- everything I see reminds me of her. But I cannot just leave- not right now. Tomoe has been too kind to me- too caring for me to leave her right now. I know it pains her to have me around, a constant reminder of her husband's death- she knows I am the one who killed him. Yet she cannot seem to abandon me like she probably should. She still holds onto the memory of the man I was a year ago, the man that was happy and in love. She cannot let go of the memory of that man, because if she does, she knows she has lost everything.

She is nursing me slowly back to health- the trip from Kyoto has exhausted my body and my mind. I did not stop to sleep nor eat, too afraid to be discovered by others. I did, however, buy some milk from a street vendor for Kenji. No matter how miserable I am, I cannot allow Kenji to suffer. He is an innocent child- untainted by the stain of blood and despair. And I promised- I promised to save him. My life is solely devoted to saving him and giving him the life he deserves- one free of bloodshed and pain. I only wish Kaoru were here to help me.

She is constantly on my mind- the sole reason for my existence at this point. I know I must live for her- she gave her life to save our child's and mine. I must honor that, despite the fact that I would rather die than live without her. And everyday I wish I could be relieved of this torturous life, but I know I cannot do that to my son. I must survive for his sake.

I suppose I must have looked awful and desperate to Tomoe when I arrived on her doorstep. I was ragged and bloody, injured and dirty. I could barely stand up on my own, I was so weak. And aside from that fact, I held a crying infant in my arms. I had tried to find food for him that day- but I had wandered through the forest blindly, unsure exactly of where I was. When I had broken through the trees, I found myself next to the dirt path leading to the small dojo- that cursed dojo where I had been so happy before. That time seemed so long ago.

I only remember handing Kenji to a surprised Tomoe before collapsing and losing consciousness. After that, I remember waking up inside the dojo, my wounds bandaged. Tomoe sat beside me, holding a sleeping Kenji.

Tomoe still will not let me out of bed, though I have remained on this futon for nearly two weeks now. I am afraid I worry Tomoe immensely, as I do not talk much. When she asks why I am here, why I appeared the way I did, who the child is, and where Kaoru is, I pretend to not hear her. I pretend to sleep. I cannot answer those questions at this point in my life. I cannot and will not. I suppose I am being stubborn and foolish; Tomoe has a right to know. But I cannot bring myself to say that I am here because I have run from the Choshu clan, that I was beaten and bruised because I have wandered through the wilderness for days now without food, that the child is my own son, and that Kaoru is not with me because she is dead.

I have not even given Tomoe Kenji's name- only three words have escaped my lips in the two weeks I have been here. Save him, and Kaoru. The first was when I handed Kenji to her at the dojo gates before I collapsed, the second, a mistake on my part. The first time Tomoe asked where Kaoru was, I simply uttered her name and fell apart. I know Tomoe is extremely anxious; she knows there is something wrong, that something bad has happened to Kaoru. But she does not know what, which I suppose is worse than knowing, because the mind comes up with the worst-case scenarios. Though I cannot imagine anything worse than Kaoru's death.

Since Tomoe does not know Kenji's real name, she has taken to calling him Ken-chan, after me. I can tell that Kenji likes Tomoe very much- she can quiet him in an instant and she knows just what to do to help him. I know I am a bad father for not doing more for him, but I cannot bring myself to get out of bed. I cannot bring myself to try to live. I cannot bring myself to even look at him, for he is a reminder to me of Kaoru. He looks so much like her, only with my hair. His face is hers, and I see her in my mind's eye when I look at him.

How pitiful I am, a father that cannot look at his own son.

* * *

"Good morning, Kenshin-san. How are you feeling today?" Tomoe kneeled beside Kenshin's resting body on the futon. His eyes were open, wide and blank. He stared up at the ceiling, not responding to her question. She sighed. She had expected it.

"Let me see that nasty wound you have on your side. I need to change the bandages, Kenshin-san." He did not respond to her demand, so she sighed once more and rolled him to his side herself. He stared expressionlessly at the wall.

Tomoe lifted the hem of his shirt high enough to examine the dressings on his side. When he had arrived at the dojo, he was covered in many cuts and scratches, but this wound was by far the worst. She couldn't imagine why he would possibly have such a large wound in his side. Did he get in a fight? Did he fall on something? Did he do this to himself?

Tomoe removed the bandages and a small smile graced her lips.

"Look here, Kenshin-san. Your wound is getting better. It's healed quite quickly. You'll be up and about in no time. I'll just put some more bandages on this for now, but tomorrow I do not think you will need any." She scanned Kenshin's face for any sign of happiness, but it remained blank. Though she could see a pained look in his eyes; that was the only indication he was even responsive to anything.

A soft crying sounded down the halls, and Tomoe smiled.

"That's little Ken-chan. I'll go get him. He must be hungry. He slept all night last night, you know. You should be proud of the little kid." This brought no response from Kenshin either. Tomoe sighed and left the room quietly.

When the shoji thunked loudly, signaling it was closed, Kenshin turned onto his side and looked at the shoji door. His eyelids drooped and he sighed as sleep overcame him.

* * *

_June 25th, 1867_

Tomoe has finally deemed me healthy enough to leave the room. I am free to wander the silent halls of the dojo. I have often stopped in front of the door to the room Kaoru and I shared a year ago- where Kenji was conceived I suppose. I cannot bring myself to enter the room. I cannot even bring myself to open the door. I simply stand there like a fool and stare at the closed door.

She still will not let me out of the dojo's gates. I think she must fear I will leave and not return. Which, I suppose, makes her right in not letting me out. Because I most likely would not return.

Tomoe must have been a very good wife to Akira- she knows just what to do to take care of things. She has healed me and looked after Kenji, while still keeping up her dojo. She has cancelled her classes for the time being, as she cannot leave Kenji with me to teach. I am useless and cannot take care of my own son.

Tomoe gave me this journal to write down my thoughts and feelings- I suppose to help me get over whatever is ailing me faster. But I know that Kaoru's death is something I can never get over. How does one simply get over the death of half of their soul?

I spoke again to Tomoe today, and my few words brought a smile to her face. It saddens me to know that when I utter a simple word it brings joy to her because she knows I must be getting better. How pathetic. I cannot make her happy because I am not, so she has resorted to being ecstatic about a few words.

It wasn't even much really. She asked how I was doing this morning, which she asks every morning. I normally nod my head silently. But this morning I guess I felt like saying something, so I replied, "Fine."

I guess my 'improvement' was what inspired her to give me an extra helping of breakfast and an allowance to walk around the dojo's courtyard- with supervision, of course. She does not let me sit alone for too long, she is probably afraid that I will try to kill myself or do something drastic. As much as the prospect of death brings relief to me, I cannot do that to Kenji or Kaoru. I promised Kaoru I would make sure Kenji survived. And to do that, I must be alive. Though I am sure he is in good hands with Tomoe.

Near dinnertime, I guess the pressure and anxiety of caring for both Kenji and I got to Tomoe, and she grew angry with me. I expected her to become furious with me long before this, so it was not much of a shock to me. She told me that I needed to stop acting so morosely, and then she corrected herself; morose was not the right word to describe me at the moment- dead was a more correct description. And I suppose she's right. I am an empty shell- devoid of life, feeling, and meaning.

Tomoe hummed to herself as she prepared lunch for the day. Kenji lay on a small blanket she had lain on the floor for him, gurgling happily up at her. She smiled and cooed to him. She heard a quiet shuffling and glanced up towards the doorway to the kitchen.

* * *

"Oh, hello, Kenshin-san. How are you feeling this morning?" Kenshin only gave a small nod in her direction before shuffling into the kitchen. He glanced around, almost as if he were lost and trying to find an escape. Tomoe swallowed and put a fake smile on.

"Well, Kenshin-san, Ken-chan here is quite the cutie. Where'd you pick him up, anyways?" Kenshin did not reply, just continued his lost search around the kitchen. Tomoe sighed. She was fairly sure the child was his- after all, how many kids were born with bright red hair? And those eyes- they were Kaoru's. she knew that. However, she wanted Kenshin to tell her who the child's parents were before she blurted it out to him.

"Is there something you're looking for?" she asked kindly, resting a hand on Kenshin's forearm. He flinched at her touch, which surprised her. He hadn't ever reacted that way to her when she touched him before. He was very jumpy and even more distracted than usual today.

"Is something wrong?" she asked worriedly. Kenshin looked at her for a moment, his purple eyes staring widely into hers, before he looked back around the kitchen. He stepped away from her reach and nodded his head to her once before exiting the kitchen.

Tomoe frowned. He had been acting oddly ever since he arrived here, but today was even weirder than usual. She shook her head, dismissing her paranoid thoughts. She was probably just over-examining things because she was worried about him.

Her thoughts drifted to meaningless topics before finally resting on one particularly disturbing thought.

Kenshin had arrived at her dojo with blood all over his clothes. Sure, he had been cut, and some of the blood was his, but she could tell not all of it was. And- he seemed so depressed. There was a constant unspeakable pain present in his eyes whenever she looked into them.

What if… what if…

Her mind was filled with what if's. The only way she would ever reach a conclusion was if Kenshin decided to tell her himself.

The blood… the depression… the pain… the child…

Ken-chan.

And Kaoru was not here. Tomoe shook her head, trying to dispel that particular unpleasant thought. She had to believe Kenshin had not harmed Kaoru in any way. Though it would make sense… it would explain why he was drenched in blood… why he had Ken-chan… why he was hurting so much… No. She had to stop such thoughts.

_But he is a manslayer, a part of her reasoned inside her mind. He killed your husband. How do you know he didn't kill Kaoru as well?_ Tomoe shook her head violently.

"No," she said out loud to finalize her thoughts. _I don't believe he killed Kaoru. He would rather die than kill her_. Tomoe nodded once, pleased with her own reasoning.

_But you know it is a possibility_, her mind chastised. Tomoe huffed and picked up Ken-chan, bouncing him gently as she left to find Kenshin.

* * *

_June 27th, 1867_

I spoke to Tomoe today. Not my occasional one word replies, but I actually _spoke_ with her today. She asked me what was wrong- why I was acting the way I was. And I didn't say anything at first. We were sitting on the front steps of her dojo, watching the stars. Kenji was asleep in her room- his room now, too. Tomoe sighed and was about to get up, knowing that I would respond as I normally did. Meaning, I wouldn't. And as I thought that, it made me angry, that she could just automatically guess that I wasn't going to reply, because it was a usual occurrence. And it made me angry that I had allowed myself to fall so far as to not communicating with the one of the two women in this world that knew everything about me. And I grew angry with myself for being so predictable.

So I spoke, and she sat down, and she listened. She didn't get excited that I was talking, she didn't try to calm me down when I became furious, or suddenly sad, she didn't try to stop me when my words became so fast they were almost incoherent. She just sat there and listened to me, and then she held me as I finally cried for my Kaoru.

* * *

It all makes sense now, Tomoe thought, watching Kenshin stare at Ken-chan, a strange expression of joy, pain, and love filling his features. Kenshin reached out tentatively to touch Ken-chan's hand. Little Ken-chan grabbed onto Kenshin's finger, eliciting a surprised jump out of Kenshin and a small smile to play on his lips. Kenshin scooted a little closer to his son, the corners of his mouth turned up.

"He likes you, you know," Tomoe finally said, startling Kenshin. Kenshin looked up, his smile a little wider. It looked like his face might crack with the effort- it had been so long since he had smiled. Kenshin turned back to his son and touched Ken-chan's cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth, his brow. As if memorizing his face.

"You are just like your mother, little one," Kenshin whispered softly. Tomoe barely caught his words- they seemed to float away on the wind. But she was immediately saddened by his words.

In the short time she had known Kaoru, she had liked her very much. She was a naturally conversational and friendly person. How could anyone not love her? Even the infamous Battousai had fallen for her.

_And now look at him_, Tomoe thought forlornly. _Now he is as lost as someone at sea. He does not know what to do with his life, now that Kaoru has left him alone to take care of their son. _

Tomoe wrapped her arms around herself to fight off the chill from the air.

"It's getting chilly, Kenshin-san. You should probably bring Ken-chan inside so he doesn't get a cold." Kenshin looked up, his eyebrows raised.

"Me?" he asked hesitantly. He looked back at the small baby and then to Tomoe, his eyes pleading. "But what if I drop him? What if I hurt him? Tomoe- what if I-"

"Calm down, I'll show you how to hold him," Tomoe cut him off. She knew he could go on and on with a list of reasons why he was not good enough for something. Tomoe stood up from the steps of the dojo and helped Kenshin put his arms in the right position to cradle Ken-chan. Then she picked up the small baby and gently deposited him in Kenshin's arms. Kenshin seemed afraid at first, but then a smile slowly crept to his lips.

"This isn't so bad," he commented. Tomoe patted his shoulder gently, chuckling to herself.

"Goodness, Kenshin-san. One would think you had never even held a child before," she reprimanded. Kenshin glanced away, and Tomoe immediately bit her tongue. He probably never _had_ held a child before, not until Ken-chan was born. He was a manslayer, after all. His line of work didn't deal with children.

"Um… let's get Ken-chan inside before he catches an illness. Come on, Kenshin-san." Kenshin carefully followed Tomoe into the dojo, smiling down at the little baby in his arms. Tomoe felt her heart warm as she watched the two of them. Ken-chan reached up and swatted Kenshin's nose. Kenshin pulled his head back quickly, and then chuckled. It was the first time Tomoe had heard Kenshin laugh since he had arrived here.

_Things are going to be okay_, she thought.

* * *

_June 29th, 1867_

Things are much happier around the dojo now that I have told Tomoe of the events leading up to Kaoru's death. When I first told her that Kaoru was dead- that she wasn't coming back, Tomoe cried and kept to her room just as I had. She remained in her room for a day, and I was left to care for Kenji. I am a pathetic excuse for a father. I once heard someone say that anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. I am no dad. I know that. But I am a father- and I will try to take care of my son. I am afraid that Kenji did a lot more crying than usual that day that Tomoe stayed in her room.

But after that day, I suppose the guilt of leaving Kenji with me grew too much, and she emerged from her room. She took care of Kenji, but so did I, for the first time. We worked together to raise my son.

Things are definitely much brighter, but only on the outside. The dojo seems like a happy, functional home with cheerful children arriving every day for their lessons. But on the inside, I know I am still dying. I know I am falling farther and farther away from myself with every minute, with every tick of the clock. And Tomoe suffers too; she suffers from the burden of knowing what has transpired, she suffers from caring for the widowed father of a deceased friend, from caring for the motherless child left behind. She still suffers from the death of her husband, and she suffers from the knowledge that I am the cause of her suffering.

The world is a bleak and miserable place inside this little dojo. And no amount of fake cheeriness can help it.

* * *

_June 30th, 1867_

I wandered around town today. It was entirely uneventful, except for the fact that Tomoe let me leave at all. I suppose my talking, no matter how dead and uninteresting it is, has boosted her confidence in my mental stability. I left her with Kenji and walked around the little town, watching people go about their daily lives. At one point I just sat down by the small seaport on a stone wall and watched people passing by.

It amazes me at how well humans remember things. I had several people come up to me and tell me they remembered me saving Tomoe from the foreign men last year. They always thanked me and asked how I was doing. I just lied a lot.

Some even remembered that I had married during my stay in Tokyo. They asked how we were doing. I avoided answering by saying I had a son now. They seemed to take that as confirmation that we were happy. I assume one of us is.

I eventually came back to the dojo as the sun was setting. Tomoe seemed visibly relieved that I had come back. I'm sure she had fretted the entire day about whether or not she was now the sole guardian of Kenji.

* * *

_July 15th, 1867_

I go to town every day now. The townspeople know to expect me sitting on the stone wall daily. Some bring me food around noontime. Other stop by merely to chat. Most know that I don't provide much conversation.

Tomoe has told several people not to bother me with personal questions. I have heard several visitors at night asking about my lack of social interest. Tomoe only replied that I was going through a rough time, and not to bother me too much with personal matters. Light banter and surface chatter were fine, but nothing too deep.

So every day, I sit on the wall, and a few people come sit beside me, providing careless conversation. It usually focuses on what's going on with the people in town, who just moved in, who's planning on moving out, stupid things that mean nothing. It helps me to keep my mind off of Kaoru, and I am thankful to these people.

One of the regular people to visit me is a woman by the name of Yuki. She brings me lunch and sits by me every day for a half hour, talking non-stop and expecting no reply from me. I always greet her and say goodbye, but she knows that any other conversation must be done on her part.

Sometimes she talks about her own personal problems. I suppose she feels that by talking to me, she can tell someone and be sure it won't go around. She knows I will not tell others, because I do not talk to others. She knows I will not bother her about it later, because I do not talk to her. I am simply a listening figure, something she can vent to and know it won't spread around town.

Several other people in town have discovered that I am a good person to go to when they need to simply tell someone something. Which means that out of everyone in town, I know the most about everyone else, though I do not ask questions, and I do not tell others. If anyone were to ask if Takasugi really goes every Friday night to gamble, I could tell them that Takasugi hasn't gambled once in his life, he really goes to the geisha house every Friday night to visit a woman by the name of Yuri. And if someone were to question as to why Saitoh leaves town every weekend, I could tell them that he goes to a small town nearby to visit his sick mother, but he doesn't want anyone to know that because it would ruin his cold appearance. And Anji doesn't really go to fight in the rings in different towns; he really goes to the same town every time to visit his wife that no one knows about. But I don't tell anyone that. Because I don't speak to them. I simply store away all of their secrets into little files in my mind, so that I might bring them up for reference later on when I need a distraction to keep my thoughts from Kaoru.

I've gotten very good at distracting myself throughout the day. But when I am alone at night in the dark, that's when the thoughts of Kaoru consume me and tear me apart.

* * *

_July 31st, 1867_

Kenji has grown quite a bit. He is nearly two months old now. Tomoe loves him like he were her own, which is exactly what I wanted. I am sure she will take good care of him. She still calls him Ken-chan, even though she knows his real name. She says it's her little nickname for him. I see how much she loves him. She once told me as we sat on the front steps of the dojo that she had always wanted a child, but Akira had left for Kyoto before he could give her one. She said that she didn't want that to weigh on my conscious, but that she wanted me to understand that Kenji felt like a son to her, since she had none of her own. And though I know she was not implying that it was my fault she had no child of her own, I know it is. I know she does not hold me responsible for it, but I do. I am the cause of Akira's death, and it is my fault Tomoe must resort to mothering someone else's child in order to feel like a mother.

And because I know that she loves Kenji more than anything else at this point, I know he will be safe in her hands. Which is why I arose early this morning and left a small note in the kitchen for Tomoe, thanking her for her hospitality and asking that she please raise Kenji to be a good child in my absence. Then I took my belongings and left, walking down the small dirt road, away from the town this time, into the forest. As I walked, I thought of Yuki and how she would arrive at the stone wall, ready with lunch for the both of us and something new to tell me, but I would not be there. And then Anji would come, weary after his travels as it was a Monday and he would have walked all night to return to town. He would come to the wall to find it unusually empty, with no one there to listen to his happy stories of the time he spent with his wife.

And Saitoh would not have anyone to listen to how his mother's illness was getting worse and worse, and how much he worried for her. And Takasugi would have no one to tell about his Friday night visiting his childhood friend at the geisha house. How he wished he could tell others that he only went to talk to her because she was lonely in that geisha house, but because she was a geisha, it was improper for him to visit her.

All of these people would arrive at the stone wall, expecting a silent, red-haired man to be sitting there, waiting to listen to their stories, only to find it empty. And then they would worry, coming to visit Tomoe. And if Tomoe had not realized I was gone by then, she would have the displeasure of being informed that I was missing. Then she would find the note, and she would curse me silently for leaving her with my son to take care of on her own.

But I held my head up high and walked down the dirt road, towards another town, where there would be no reminders of my Kaoru; my happiness and misery.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"Kenshin! Breakfast is ready!" Tomoe called from the kitchen. She balanced Ken-chan on one hip while she carried a tray of food to the small table in the next room. She frowned. Kenshin never kept her waiting like that.

"Kenshin!" she called again. There was no response. Tomoe's heart clenched painfully in her chest and she went out into the dojo's yard, expecting to see him there.

"Kenshin?" He wasn't there. Tomeo ran back inside the house and to his room. She slid open the shoji door and tears sprang to her eyes. His futon was neatly rolled up and all his belongings gone. Tomoe sniffed and returned to the small table with the food. She set Ken-chan down beside her and picked up her chopsticks, her chin raised defiantly. She would not break down. She lifted the bowl of rice and retrieved a few grains with he chopsticks and brought them up to her lips. But before they could enter her mouth, she dropped the chopsticks to the floor, the rice bowl following not soon after. She hugged herself and hunched over, willing the pain to go away. A tear escaped her eye as her shoulders heaved with sobs.

Kenshin had left her. She was alone again.

"Excuse me, Tomoe-san. Is Kenshin-san here?" Tomoe looked sadly at the woman before her. She didn't really know her, but she was pretty sure the woman's name started with a Y.

"Uh… no… he's not, actually. May I help you?" The woman frowned.

"Oh, no, that's okay. I'm Yuki, by the way. It's just- normally Kenshin-san is sitting on that little stone wall in town, and I go talk to him everyday. But he wasn't there today, so I wondered if something was wrong." Tomoe swallowed painfully and shifted Ken-chan in her arms.

"Kenshin-san has left for a little while, to help- help-" Tomoe couldn't think of anything she might say. "Well, to collect his thoughts. He has been having a hard time lately, and he just needed to get away for a while. I'm sure he'll be back soon. I am sorry if it inconvenienced you." Yuki shook her head happily.

"Oh no, not at all. I will miss my talks with him, of course, but I am glad he is finally taking some time to help himself. Oh, what a cute baby!" Yuki exclaimed, finally seeming to notice Ken-chan in Tomoe's arms.

"Is he yours?" she asked curiously. "Kenshin-san must be the father- how often do you see people with hair like that?" she laughed. Tomoe smiled.

"Yes, this is little Kenji. Kenshin-san's son. He is not mine, though." Yuki frowned.

"Oh? Whose is he, then?" Tomoe shifted uncomfortably.

"Um… Kenshin's- wife's." Yuki's eyes widened.

"I did not know he had a wife. I assumed that if he did, it was you." Tomoe shook her head vehemently.

"No."

"Then where is this wife of his?" Tomoe bit her lip.

"She- she's deceased." Yuki seemed to freeze for a moment before looking extremely embarrassed.

"Oh," she said softly. "Oh, I never knew. I'm so sorry. If you see Kenshin-san again, tell him that for me, will you? I knew he was suffering from something, but I never thought it would be anything like that."

"I will tell him when I see him again."

"Thank you, Tomoe-san." Yuki bowed and left. Tomoe sighed and looked at little Kenji.

"Well, Ken-chan, what shall we do today?" Kenji gurgled adorably, making Tomoe laugh. Her laughter died quickly, however, with the weight of the day's events. She shook her head sadly with a sigh.

"I don't know what to do either," she whispered. Then she shut the door behind her and rested in the seclusion of her home.

* * *

_August 24th, 1867_

I have been wandering for nearly a month now, and no matter how far I go or where I stay, I cannot escape the torture inside of me. It follows me everywhere, constantly on my mind. My wife's death. My orphaned child. Akira's death. So many other's deaths. All of it was my fault. Every single one of those things was because of me. Had Kaoru never been assigned to me, had I never saved her from Shinomori, we would have never had Kenji. I would have never met Tomoe, I would not know who Akira was. I would not feel such guilt for killing him. I would not feel guilty now for the death of my loved one. I would not feel guilty for the unhappiness of thousands. I am a monster, a cold, uncaring, inhumane beast. And no matter where I go, I cannot escape it.

* * *

_September 14th, 1867_

I stopped in a small seaport this weekend and stayed in an abandoned fisherman's home. There were some holes in the roof, but I patched them up quickly. I discovered that fixing up the home actually brought some excitement into my bleak existence. I looked forward to seeing the end product, of doing something good with my hands.

Every day I look out at the ocean and stare at the violent grey water, tossing small ships in the distance with its waves. And I know on the inside, I am like those ships, the small sailboats, lost in the waves.

I feel much more calm in this home by the sea. Not many people in town know that I am actually living out here. The few who do know enough not to say anything. I go into town occasionally, but not often; only to buy food and supplies to last me for another few weeks. I enjoy the company of the salty air, the sound of the ocean, and the comfort of my little home. And though I am alone, I am finally more at peace with myself.

* * *

_October 28th, 1867_

I am slowly coming to a realization about many things. I can now think about Kaoru without falling to pieces inside; the memory of her hurts, but it is bearable now. And now that I am not so opposed to thinking about her, I have discovered some things about myself that she had always tried to tell me all along.

All of my life I have hated myself and what I am. I hated being the little slave, I hated being the slave that was responsible for the death of his brother. I hated being the slave that was unnaturally skilled with a sword. Then I hated being the fifteen-year-old assassin. I hated being the Battousai. I hated being the most feared man in the world that no one really knew except for those in the Choshu clan. I hated being alone.

And then I was assigned to a rescue mission- a first in my life. I had never _saved_ anyone before. I had never been assigned to keep someone _alive_. And I saved Kaoru from Shinomori Aoshi.

And then I hated the way she looked at me- how when she first discovered who I was, she _hated_ me. How I could see the revulsion in her eyes- the disgust at having to work with me. And then slowly as we grew to know each other, I hated the way I _felt_ around her. I hated how disgusting and unclean I felt around her. She was so innocent, beautiful, and untainted by the blood and misery in life. And here I was, the perfect example of everyone's worst nightmare.

I hated how she looked at me then, too. I hated how I could see the pity and the pain behind her eyes, because she knew _I _was suffering. And I hated myself for causing her pain.

But I also _loved_ the way she laughed. I loved her bright, shining, sapphire eyes. I loved her raven black hair that shone in the light. I loved how I could see her emotions and thoughts behind her eyes- how I could see how much she truly cared. I loved the way she made me feel sometimes, as if nothing mattered except for the two of us. How she took my mind away from the world into her own little universe, where nothing and nobody held any importance. I loved how she treated me like she would treat anybody else. And I loved it.

But then I hated myself again- hated how I had allowed her to get so attached to me as to marry me. I hated how I had brought her down to my level- how I had indefinitely put her in the same category as me- someone to be feared. I hated how pure and innocent she was, yet she still _wanted_ to be with someone as monstrous as me.

I hated the way I felt about her. I hated that I had allowed myself to love someone. I hated that I had allowed her to break down my wall of ice and see the person inside. I hated how she was killed in order to save our child and me. I hated how I had caused the sole happiness in my life to come to an end. I hated how weak I was. So I ran, like a coward, and I hated myself for being a coward. And then I hated myself for burdening Tomoe. I hated that I wasn't a good father. I hated that I couldn't seem to do anything right. So I ran again, like a coward, and I hated myself even more for running a second time. And I hated myself for the longest time.

But now I realize that I _don't_ hate myself, not _really_. I _don't _hate the person I am- because that is the person Kaoru loved. And Kaoru was a smart, wonderful, intelligent woman who would not have fallen for a monster, that I am sure of. Which means that I can't truly have been as awful as I always thought.

And that thought led me to the conclusion that though I had always hated myself, I hated myself for things I could not help. And I hated myself for entirely wrong reasons. If I were to hate myself, I should hate myself because of what I felt, and what I thought. But I have realized that I am not as bad as I have always thought. I am not as awful and terrible and horrifying as I always believed. I feel guilty, which means I cannot be truly as bad as I believed. For if I didn't feel guilt, I would not care, and if I did not care, _then_ would I truly be a monster.

Which, I've decided, is exactly what Kaoru tried to tell me all along. She always told me that the Battousai and Kenshin were two different people- that the Battousai was not me. And I never really believed her. But now I am starting to. The Battousai was not truly me. And Kaoru always told me to stop blaming myself for things I could not help. She told me I should love the respectable, loving, kind man I was. And I never believed her. But now that she's gone, I am starting to believe her. And I don't hate myself anymore.

* * *

_November 11th, 1867_

The wind is much colder, but I have successfully patched up all the holes in the small fisherman's home. I mostly stay indoors now, sitting and thinking. I do a lot of thinking now. More than I had ever thought I would.

Mostly I think of Kaoru. I think of the times we spent together, the things she said, and even simple things that don't mean much, like how her hair blew in the breeze, how her bright blue eyes twinkled in the moonlight, how her face would light up and she'd smile brightly at me over the tiniest things. I watched all of these scenes unfold in my mind.

Other times I would think about myself. I had decided I didn't hate myself anymore, but I didn't exactly love myself either. I still hated things I had _done_, and nothing could change that. I just could not see how I could love myself.

I thought a lot about Kenji and Tomoe, too. I wondered how they were doing now. I felt guilty about leaving them so suddenly, but I was sure Kenji was safe in Tomoe's hands. And I felt sorry for Tomoe that I had left her to look after my child. But I could not go back. No matter how much I missed them or felt guilty, I could not go back. Because no matter how much I missed Kaoru, she would not come back, and Edo held too many reminders of her.

* * *

_December 12th, 1867_

The winter is harsh this year, and I spend most of my time huddled under a blanket in front of the fireplace inside this small home. And I think. I am always thinking now.

I still miss Kaoru greatly. I don't think that will ever change. I still feel empty, as if her death took away half of me. And that will never change. And no matter how much I think of her, or tell myself that it's been nearly eight months now, I cannot stop the pain and the sadness from overwhelming me.

And today, of all days, is hardest of all on me so far, because today is a reminder of Kaoru. Today she would have turned 19.

* * *

_January 17th, 1868_

It has been nearly five months now since I left Edo. This home has helped me immensely, though I don't quite know why. Probably because I am so isolated from the town and its people. There is nothing but me and the waves of the ocean. I can be alone to sit and think.

I've recently realized something that lessens the pain of Kaoru's death. She used to tell me that she was not from this time- that she was really born in the year 2000 and she had no idea how she had ended up in 1866. She said she lived in America, and she told me about the technological advances. Most of it seemed entirely impossible to me, but the things she came up with were so complex and imaginative that I do not doubt she was from a different time. She knew things she shouldn't, and said she had read them, when she shouldn't have.

She also once said that she wasn't sure how she would return home, or if she ever would. I can only hope that her life did not end when she died here, in Japan, but that she returned to her own time, in America. And if that were so, then I hope someday she will be able to find one of our descendants. And I hope she will know that I did manage to save Kenji, though I was not able to help him grow.

Knowing that she is probably still alive in a different time brings comfort to me. The world should not be denied her happiness and warmth.

* * *

_February 15th, 1868_

Each day passes by slowly, but pass it does. Since my realization that Kaoru's life had perhaps not ended that night in Kyoto, I have begun to wonder what she will do or is doing back in her own time. It is hard for me to imagine. I wonder if she is sad she had to return, or if she is happy to be with her family again. I think she knew she would be returning to her own time that night, which is why she sacrificed herself for Kenji and I. I think she knew she wouldn't really die.

I wonder a lot now. I don't dwell on the past so much anymore. I only think about the future. I wonder what Kaoru is doing back at home. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she's sad that she won't get to see our child grow. I wonder if she's happy.

I also wonder if she will meet someone else. I suppose it is selfish of me to not want her to marry someone in her own time, but she is only 18. Well, assuming her time is the same as mine, she would be 19 now. She has her entire life ahead of her. And the more I think about it, the more I do want her to marry a man from her time. I want her to be happy, and I want her to be able to have children in her own time, children she can watch grow and learn. Even though I would like for her to only be with me, I realize that fate would have it otherwise. Maybe she was not supposed to belong to me. But perhaps she was. For if she didn't, Kenji would not have come into existence. And I am assuming that any further descendants he might have would not exist either. But perhaps Kaoru was not meant to stay here for very long- maybe she was meant to only belong to me for a short period of time. And though that period of time was brief, I will always cherish it, because that was the happiest point in my life. She was the dawn in my night. The light in my darkness.

So I suppose I really _do_ want her to find another man for her to spend the rest of her life with, because although I will always love her, I cannot be with her for the rest of her life. I suppose where she is now, I am already dead. Two people from different times were just not meant to be, I guess. But I am glad that we were married for the brief moment of time. And now I want her to have that same happiness with someone who can give it to her for the rest of her life. Because that is what she deserves.

* * *

_March 25th, 1868_

I firmly believe that Kaoru is back in her own time, which lifts a heavy weight off my heart. At first I was unsure, but now I am positive. I don't know what drew me to the conclusion that she definitely is back where she belongs, but my mind has decided on that. And though I miss her terribly, it is not as bad as if she had died. Though the absence is still the same.

I think a lot about Kenji and Tomoe now. More than anything else, besides Kaoru, of course. I wonder what Kenji looks like now, how big he is, and if he's healthy or not. I wonder if he can talk or walk. It's been about six months now.

And I worry about Tomoe. She is a single woman who lives alone with someone else's child. Her only income is from the few students she has at her dojo, but I am not sure how she teaches when she has Kenji with her now. I feel extremely bad for leaving her alone, but I could not stay there any longer. Not if I wanted to live any longer.

I wonder how she is doing- if she has gotten over the deaths of Akira and Kaoru. If she is happy with Kenji. Whether she still calls him Ken-chan. I wonder all the time.

* * *

"Happy birthday, to you… happy birthday to you… happy birthday dear Ken-chan… happy birthday to you!" Kenji smiled at the little flames of fire on top of the candles. Tomoe smiled and blew on the candles, extinguishing them. Kenji laughed and clapped his hands.

"Yay, Ken-chan!" Yuki clapped, kissing the top of Kenji's head. Tomoe smiled at the kind woman. Ever since Kenshin's disappearance, Yuki had been kind enough to come help take care of Kenji every day so that Tomoe could teach her students at the dojo. Yuki had grown to love Kenji as a son as well.

"A year old! You make me feel old, kid!" Anji said, patting Kenji's head. Kenji laughed and reached towards the cake.

"Ah, ah, ah," Tomoe chided, pulling the cake away from him. "We have to cut it, Ken-chan. Then you can have some." She cut slices for everyone and put Kenji's plate in front of him at the table.

"There you go, Ken-chan." Kenji laughed and clapped, then reached forward with his hand, grabbing a fistful of the rich cake. Then he smashed it in his face. Everyone laughed, and Anji even fell off his chair. Tomoe gazed around the room. She had come to love all of these people. There was Anji, who had taken a liking to Kenji the moment he saw him. Yuki was the biggest help of all. Then there was Enishi. He had gotten into a fight outside her dojo and been knocked out. She brought him in and nursed him back to health and he visited her regularly, playing with Kenji. Kenji loved Enishi more than any of the others. Whenever Enishi came, Kenji lit up and started laughing.

Takasugi was also there- all these people that Kenshin had helped in some way, even though he probably didn't know it. Takasugi told Tomoe of his visits to the geisha house, and how Kenshin had kept them a secret for him.

"Here, kiddo, let's clean you up," Yuki said in a motherly voice, wiping Kenji's face clean of the cake. He squealed and mashed his hand into the cake again, smearing it all over Yuki's face. Yuki froze and the room burst into laughter again. Even Tomoe chuckled- something she had rarely done lately.

"Here," Tomoe said, handing Yuki a towel to clean her face off with. Yuki took it gratefully while the rest of the room still roared with laughter.

Tomoe smiled in spite of herself. These people helped her more than they could ever know. And Kenji- well, he was just a blessing in her life. She only hoped that Kenshin was safe and he'd return one day to see his son. She wasn't sure what she'd do when Kenji was old enough to realize his home life wasn't normal.

* * *

_April 29th, 1868_

I finally left that small fisherman's home and moved on. I decided I had stayed there for too long. I was sad to be leaving- I had spent so much time fixing it up, and then so much time staying in it. But I was growing restless and I needed to move on.

I ended up in a small town close by. I am currently staying in a lodge where several other wanderers are resting. I am still hesitant about talking with others, and my social skills are rusty. But I am working on them. The more time I spend in town here, the easier it becomes to talk to the people.

* * *

_May 23rd, 1869_

It's now been two years since I left Edo. I feel guilty for leaving them of course, but I just can't bring myself to return.

* * *

"Ken-chan! Watch out for that-" Tomoe winced as Kenji ran straight into the tree. She chuckled to herself and quickly ran to his side, helping him to his feet. "Are you okay?" she asked seriously. Kenji nodded and gave her a big grin.

"I wan!" he said excitedly. Tomoe laughed.

"Yes you did. You ran, and straight into that tree!" she tickled Kenji until he fell down, his sweet laughter filling the dojo yard.

"Hey, is that my Kenji I hear being tortured?" Tomoe glanced up and smiled. Kenji quickly got to his feet, squealing with excitement.

"Eni!" he exclaimed. He reached out to hug Enishi's leg, but Enishi lifted him up and tossed him into the air. Kenji squealed in delight and laughed uncontrollably.

"Hello, Enishi," Tomoe greeted him, getting to her feet. Enishi grinned at her.

"Hey, missy. How ya doing?" Tomoe shrugged.

"Today's a little slow for me, Enishi," she admitted. She figured there was no use in hiding it from him- he could always sense something was wrong. Enishi caught Kenji and shifted him to his side. Kenji protested this and started beating on his shoulder.

"Up! Up!" he demanded. Enishi ignored him.

"What's up?" he asked kindly. Tomoe walked over to the dojo steps and sat down. Enishi followed and set Kenji down. Kenji pouted, but when he realized that wasn't going to do anything, he left to chase a butterfly. Enishi sat next to Tomoe and they watched Kenji silently for a moment.

"I just can't stop thinking about him," Tomoe sighed. "I never know if he's all right, or if he's hurt- or if he's even coming back. It's been two years now, Enishi. Who's to say he'll ever come back?" Enishi sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"Kenshin, right?" Tomoe nodded. "Well, I don't personally know the guy, but from what you've told me, he sounds like a responsible person that cares about others. He'll come back. Eventually the guilt will be too much. He'll come back." Tomoe shook her head sadly.

"But when will that be, Enishi? Before we know it, Kenji's going to play with the other children and he'll realize that all those kids have a mom and a dad. And then he'll start asking why he doesn't have that mom and dad. He'll ask why he has two women and three men looking after him. How am I supposed to answer that, Enishi? I don't want to. I don't want to be the one to tell Kenji that his mother is dead and his father left. He'll be so devastated to know that his own father just left him here."

Enishi remained quiet for a moment before responding. They both watched Kenji run after the butterfly and trip over an invisible root.

"Maybe you won't have to," Enishi said softly. "You never know. Don't worry about it until the time comes. I'm sure this Kenshin fellow will return. No father can stay away for that long." Tomoe shook her head sadly.

"I'm sure he misses him, but the pain of being here is too strong for him, Enishi. That could keep him away forever." Enishi had no response to this, so they resigned themselves to watching Kenji give up on the butterfly and chase a grasshopper.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Kenji- no, don't do that Kenji," Tomoe scolded. Kenji frowned and crossed his arms.

"But I want to," he said.

"Himura Kenji, you put down that cat right now. It's going to scratch you and you'll get hurt!" Kenji shook his head.

"No, it won't! You'll see! He likes me!" The cat squirmed in his arms. Tomoe shook her head in exasperation. Kenji was five years old and defiant as ever.

"Kenji," she warned. The cat squealed and twisted in his arms.

"Ow!" Kenji cried out, releasing the cat simultaneously. "It scratched me!" Tomoe sighed and stepped off the dojo porch and examined his arm.

"Goodness, Ken-chan, you just ask for trouble sometimes," she grumbled, leading him back into the dojo. She found some bandages and bound his cut arm.

"There. Now what did you learn from this?" she asked. Kenji bowed his head.

"That I should listen when Tomoe-san tells me to do something."

"Right. Now go run off and find something to do," she said, pushing him from behind. Kenji smiled and kissed her cheek before scampering off. Tomoe wandered into the kitchen to begin preparing dinner.

Several hours later, Enishi showed up at the dojo, asking if the food was ready. Tomoe smacked his head and sent him to the town to find Kenji. She wasn't worried when Kenji went to the towns by himself- she had taught him some self defense and the town was safe enough. Almost everyone in the town knew Kenji and Tomoe anyways, and they would help him if he needed it.

A half hour later, Tomoe brought the food to the table and set it down, just as she heard the dojo gate open. She stepped out to the porch and watched Enishi and Kenji enter. Kenji ran up to her and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi, Mom," he said cheerfully. Tomoe froze. Kenji started to run into the dojo, but Tomoe caught his arm.

"Where did you hear that word?" she asked, glancing nervously at Enishi. Enishi only frowned.

"I was playing with some of the other boys in town," he said happily. "And a lady came up and told one of them he needed to go home and eat. So he said, 'Okay, Mom.' So I guessed that the person who takes care of you is called Mom." Tomoe sat down on the porch with a deep sigh. Enishi shifted uncomfortably before sitting beside her on the porch.

"Kenji, come here," she said softly. Kenji smiled and stepped closer to her.

"Yes, Mom?" he asked. Tomoe shut her eyes as he said the endearing name she wished belonged to her.

"Kenji- I am not your Mom. As much as it hurts me to say, I am not." Kenji frowned.

"But- I thought Moms were the ladies who take care of you," he said. Tomoe nodded and then stopped.

"Well, sometimes. A mom is someone who- well, a mom is the woman that- oh, this is complicated." Enishi sighed.

"Ken-chan," Enishi started. "Kids have one mom. But it's not necessarily the person that takes care of them. When a woman has a baby, and that baby is her son or daughter, then she is their mom." Kenji stared wide-eyed at Enishi and then turned to Tomoe.

"Tomoe-san," he said quietly. Tomoe hung her head.

"I am sorry I have not told you earlier, Ken-chan," she apologized. "I was afraid. I am not your mother. You were given to me. But I love you just as if you were my son." Kenji's eyes filled with tears. He turned to Enishi.

"So you are not my daddy either?" Enishi raised his eyebrows and sat back, as if he had been shoved.

"What?" he asked.

"My daddy. You are not my daddy?" Enishi frowned and shook his head sadly.

"No, Ken-chan. I am not your father." A tear slid down Kenji's cheek.

"Then… who are my mommy and daddy?" he asked. Tomoe sighed.

"Your mother was a woman named Kamiya Kaoru. She was my friend, and she was very kind. But- she died. And even though I am not your real mother, I love you as if I were." Kenji nodded slowly, taking in the information.

"What about my daddy? Is he dead too?" Tomoe hesitated, glancing at Enishi.

"Um… I don't think so, Kenji," she said softly. "To tell the truth, I am not sure. Your father was the one that brought you to me. But- he had to leave." Kenji looked up, some unspoken hurt present in his eyes.

"Why?" he demanded hoarsely. Tomoe wasn't sure how to answer that. "Why did my daddy leave me?" Tears continued to stream down his cheeks.

"Oh, Kenji," Tomoe whispered, pulling Kenji into her arms. He clung to her and cried into her shoulder.

"Kenji, you have to understand. Your father loved your mother very much. After her death, he was so sad. He brought you here and he stayed for a while. But this town- it holds so many memories for him. Memories of your mother. It was too hard for him to stay. He was constantly plagued by the sadness. So he had to leave in order to save himself." Kenji shoved her away angrily.

"I hate him!" he shouted. "I don't even know him, but I hate him! He left me here! He left me all alone, and I hate him!"

"Now wait just a minute, Kenji," Tomoe said sternly, standing up and reaching out to him. "Your father loves you very much. You have to understand-"

"I understand! He left! That's all there is to it!" A sob ripped its way out of Kenji's throat and he ran into the house crying. Tomoe sighed and collapsed onto the porch beside Enishi.

"Well, that didn't go exactly as I had pictured it," she muttered. Enishi grunted his agreement. They watched the sky darken and the stars twinkled in the night sky. The food lay on the table forgotten.

* * *

_May 23rd, 1871_

I have come to another realization. I promised Kaoru I would make sure Kenji survived. That I would save him. Yes, I had saved him from those men seeking to destroy all three of us. Yes, I had delivered him into the hands of a kind, gentle woman who would undoubtedly do her best to raise him. But was I really sure he was safe? Tomoe was trained in the martial arts, but could she really fight off a dozen men? Or even just three or four? I did not know Tomoe's strength. What if the Choshu clan tracked them down to get Kenji? What if, no matter how hard she tried, it just wasn't good enough, and Kenji was taken? What if Tomoe were killed trying to protect my son, simply because I was too weak to remain in the same town where I had been happy? I felt pathetic and weak.

And so after coming to this realization, I have decided to return to Edo. I cannot simply abandon my son. He is my son after all. And no matter how much despair I am in, the fact still remains that he is my responsibility, and the only thing I have left, really. I miss him greatly, even though he could not talk or walk or communicate in any way before I left, I still loved him. He is a part of me- my own flesh and blood. I helped create him, and he is my child.

I have traveled for nearly two weeks now, trying to reach Edo. I am not sure how long it will take me. I had reached China and stayed there for a while. I know it is a long distance, but I am determined to reach Edo to help raise Kenji. It is not Tomoe's responsibility. He is not her child, no matter how much she loves him and no matter how much she wishes it were true. The fact still remains that he is not an orphan, he still has a father, no matter how flighty and pathetic of an excuse I am for one. And as a last tribute to Kaoru, I will try to raise him as she wanted me to. I will raise him to be a respectable, noble, kind man. The same man she said she once saw in me. I only hope that I can find that man again and pass it along to my son.

* * *

_June 7th, 1873_

I know I must be somewhere near Edo, yet I cannot seem to find it. I wander through the woods, always searching for a break in the trees, hoping that my next few steps will lead me to a road. I am hungry and weary, torn and battered, exhausted and thirsty. I have had no food nor water for the past three days, as I have not passed by any town since then. In my weariness, I have fallen many times, causing cuts and bruises to appear on my arms and legs. And the trees. The trees branches seem to lunge out at me, trying to grab me. I know I am dirty- I have been wandering in the wilderness for weeks now, it would be a miracle to be clean!

I have traveled for over two years now, trying to make it back to Edo. I did not realize how far into China I had made it. Once I took the ship to Japan, I figured it shouldn't take much longer, but that seems to not be the case.

I have to stop often now, to rest my tired feet and let my legs collapse underneath me for a few minutes. I do not know how much longer I can go on, but I know I must. I must reach Kenji again and try to make up for my absence. I always wonder how big he has gotten. I wonder how he is doing.

Today is especially hard on me, as Kaoru constantly plagues my thoughts, clouding my mind to the point that I cannot think. For today is the anniversary of her death. It has been exactly six years since she was taken from me- since she left my life. Six years since my misery started.

I cannot go on much further today, for my legs are worn out and the sun is fading. I stopped to make camp and rested, watching the sun slowly fade into darkness. I hope that tomorrow I can find a road to lead me to Edo. If not, I don't know what I will do.

* * *

_June 15th, 1873_

Thankfully, I found a road. After a few hours of searching, I discovered a worn dirt road and walked alongside it until it brought me to a small town. I was informed that Edo was a mere five miles from the town. Instead of stopping to eat and rest, I immediately departed, wanting to reach Edo as soon as possible. I walked along the road and could feel my eyes trying to close on their own. I fought them and mentally chided myself for not eating and resting back in the town. But I was two miles out now- I might as well continue to Edo. So I stumbled my way along the road, hoping I could last until I made it to town. And I did- I made it to the small stone wall I used to sit on daily before I collapsed.

When I woke up, I was not in the dojo I yearned for, but in an unfamiliar home. I tried to sit up, but was pushed back down by a gentle but firm hand. And as I looked up to see who had kept me down, a smile broke across my face at the welcome sight.

Yuki smiled back at me, beaming her usual, bright smile. She exclaimed that I never smiled before, so I must be happy to see her. And I was surprised to find that I was happy. For this was the first time in a long time I was happy.

Yuki had bandaged my wounds, much like Tomoe had when I had arrived in Edo a year ago. She fed me and made me rest. She seemed surprised that I was willing to speak; the Kenshin she had always known never uttered a word.

"I would like to return to the dojo," I said softly when Yuki had returned from an errand. I had not wanted to leave her home while she was gone- that would have been rude. I wanted to thank her and make sure she knew I was fine before I left. Yuki nodded knowingly and helped me to stand up. I found that it was hard to stay stable on my feet, so Yuki put her arms awkwardly around me and helped me to stand straight. And we walked like that, all the way to the dojo.

When I reached the dojo, Yuki called out from the locked gates to Tomoe. Tomoe came out slowly, drying her hands on her apron and staring at the ground. She looked up sadly and froze mid-step upon seeing me.

"Hello, Tomoe," I croaked hoarsely. And then she fell apart. She dropped her apron and ran to the gate, fumbling with the lock in her haste. Once she had opened it she threw herself at me, locking her arms around my neck in a brace-like hug. I was still unsteady on my feet, and her sudden impact sent me falling backwards. We both fell into the dirt and Tomoe laughed joyfully at the silliness of it all. And because she was laughing and I like her laugh, I laughed too. Which made her laugh even more. And Yuki slipped into the dojo while we were laughing. After that, Tomoe helped me to stand and led me into the dojo where she made a great deal of fussing over me and feeding me and checking to see if I was hurting anywhere.

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen, talking with Tomoe, when Yuki brought Kenji out of his room, which he now slept alone in. And it brought tears to my eyes, to see my little boy that could walk and talk, and looked so much like me, yet so much like Kaoru too. And it depressed me greatly when he did not know who I was- he did not know his own father. But that was my own fault- I was angry with myself for allowing that to happen. Tomoe had to explain who I was. And I saw that at first he did not understand- and it tore at my heart how Tomoe had to tell my little child that his daddy had come back to see him.

And then- the horror- my little boy glared at me.

"I hate you!" he screamed. Tomoe ran to his side and put her hand over his mouth.

"Kenji, you know better than that," she reprimanded him. "Say hello to your father. I don't care if you are angry with him for leaving. He's back now, and you know why? Because he loves you. He came back for you, and you alone! Why can you not understand?" she cried, a tear sliding down her cheek. She crouched in front of Kenji, who looked at the ground beside her feet. She grasped his shoulders and forced him to look at her.

"You don't hate him," she whispered. "You know you don't hate him. You've waited all your life to be able to see him. To meet your daddy. To hug him. Haven't you?" Kenji remained silent for a moment, and then he raised his eyes to mine. I saw the hurt and betrayal he felt there, and I felt my eyes sting with fresh tears.

"I'm sorry, Kenji," I whispered. "I am so sorry for leaving you. But I didn't want you to see me in the state I was in. I knew Tomoe could act as your mother- but she could never replace your mother for me. I had to leave. But every day I was gone, I always thought about you. I missed you so much- that's what brought me back here. I couldn't stand being away from you any longer." Kenji remained silent for a moment, and then he slowly stepped towards me. He reached up and touched my hair.

"You have the same hair as me," he stated. I smiled.

"Yes. And you have your mother's eyes. She had the prettiest eyes I had ever seen. I'm glad you got those." Kenji smiled timidly.

"You have purple eyes," he said. I nodded.

"Yes," I whispered. Then suddenly, Kenji threw his arms around my neck and hugged me.

"I've wanted to be able to hug you all my life," he whispered in my ear. A tear leaked down my cheek. I looked up to see Tomoe watching us lovingly.

And I knew that she wouldn't ask me questions as to why I left. I knew she wouldn't chide me for leaving Kenji with her for nearly seven years with no word on my whereabouts. And I knew that she had forgiven me for everything I had done. I knew she was happy. And because I knew she was happy, and because I had my little boy in my arms again, I was happy.

* * *

"Kenji, time to come inside!" Tomoe called.

"But Tomoe-san, I'm playing with Enishi!" eight year old Kenji called.

"Yeah, Tomoe-san, we're playing," Enishi called, imitating Kenji. Kenji smacked Enishi's head, which earned him a quick smack to the behind from Enishi.

"Enishi?" Tomoe called excitedly. "Enishi, you're really here?" Tomoe stepped out onto the porch and smiled. "Oh, it's so good to see you again!" Enishi grinned. Enishi had been gone for six months visiting a friend, and it had felt odd to Tomoe to not have his regular presence in the dojo.

"Missed me that much, huh?" he asked. Tomoe scowled.

Enishi lifted Kenji and tossed him over his shoulder, walking into the dojo.

"Enishi, put me down!" Kenji demanded. Enishi dropped Kenji unceremoniously on the floor.

"Ow!" Kenji exclaimed as he hit the floor. "Enishi!" Enishi grinned and sat down at the small table.

"So what's to eat?" he asked nonchalantly. Tomoe smacked him over the head.

"Is that all you ever think about?" she teased. Enishi shrugged.

"When I'm hungry."

"Which is all the time," Kenji shot back.

Kenshin stepped into the room. He had been resting in his room when he heard a commotion. He saw Kenji beaming up at a stranger and suddenly the man grabbed Kenji in a headlock.

"Hey!" Kenshin shouted. The man glanced up and raised an eyebrow as he saw Kenshin.

"Oh, it's okay, Kenshin, this is Enishi. He's been visiting an old sweetheart of his," she said in a teasing voice, causing Enishi to turn red.

"Chisako is not a sweetheart," he grumbled. "What kind of sweetheart beats you over the head with a stick?" Tomoe laughed and sat down beside Enishi at the table.

"Well, Enishi went to visit her, and he's been gone for six months! So we're glad he's back." Tomoe picked up a rice bowl.

"Come on, Kenshin, sit down. Dinner's ready." Kenshin paused for a moment and then warily sat down. He continued to look at Enishi, and then he looked at Kenji, still trapped in a headlock. Kenshin cleared his throat and looked pointedly at Kenji. Enishi glanced down.

"Oh," he said, releasing Kenji. He seemed to have forgotten Kenji was even there, though Kenji had been beating at his arms.

"Idiot," Kenji said.

"Brat," Enishi shot back. Kenji stuck out his tongue.

"Kenji, don't be rude," Kenshin said gently reaching for the rice bowl.

"Hey, man, we were only playing around. And besides, what makes you think you can tell little Ken-chan what to do?"

"Hey! I am not little!" Kenji protested. Kenshin raised his eyes to meet Enishi's in amusement.

"I have every right to tell him what to do. He's my son." Enishi froze.

"Come again," he said.

"I'm his father." Enishi stared for a minute, and then stood up.

"Why you, I should smack you from here to England and back. Do you know how much you hurt this kid? What kind of a man dumps his son off and then thinks he can just waltz back and-" Kenji grabbed Enishi's arm and tugged on it.

"It's okay, Enishi. My dad had to leave cause it was too hard here. I understand. It's okay. You don't have to get mad." Kenshin stared down at his rice bowl. Enishi muttered to himself and sat down huffily.

"I am not proud of leaving him- however, I did what I felt I needed to. But I am glad to be back." Enishi considered him for a moment and then shrugged.

"As long as you don't hurt the kid again, I'm fine," Enishi finally mumbled.

"Hey! I am not a kid!" Kenji protested, throwing his empty rice bowl at Enishi's head.

"So what connection do you have to my son?" Kenshin asked testily.

"Enishi was one of the main people who helped me raise Kenji," Tomoe put in. "He's like an unofficial uncle of sorts." Enishi smirked and dug into his rice bowl. Kenshin bowed his head in Enishi's direction.

"I am grateful, more than you can ever know, for your help. Thank you for helping my son while I was not here." Enishi seemed unable to come up with a witty remark to counter that, so he ended up grunting his reply and stuffed his mouth full of rice.

The rest of the night was filled with the sounds of laughter and happiness.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_August 10th, 1874_

Though my life is much brighter now that I am reunited with Kenji and Tomoe, I am still suffering on the inside, and I know Tomoe can see it. I do not leave the dojo much anymore- occasionally I visit the stone wall and sometimes see Yuki or Anji. They always stop to chat on the days I am there. But mostly I stay inside the dojo grounds, where I do not remember everything Kaoru and I did together in Edo. I am still plagued by memories of times in the dojo together, but they are far fewer than the time we spent outdoors. By remaining inside, I limit the number of places that will bring back those painfully sweet memories. I mostly play with Kenji or help Tomoe around the home.

I help teach her kendo lessons at the dojo now to give her a break occasionally. Since abandoning my hitokiri ways, I have taken to carrying a reverse-blade sword with me. I have resolved to never kill another human being, and by carrying this sword, I can protect those I love while still keeping my vow. Just what Kaoru said the sword should be used for- protection. So now I have taken to teaching the young children who come to learn the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, the sword that protects. I hope that Kaoru would approve if she could see me now.

People around town have begun to talk. At first people accepted the fact that my son and I were living with Tomoe. They knew I was a wounded, battered man with nowhere to stay. They even welcomed the fact that Tomoe had been kind enough to provide me with shelter and help care for my infant child while I could not. And then during my disappearance, they understood Tomoe's kindness in keeping my child, in caring for him and raising him. And once I returned, people sympathized with the broken man I was, returning finally for his son.

But now it has been quite some time since I have returned, and people have begun to talk. It is improper, they say, that a widowed man with a young child and a widowed woman should live together under the same roof. They talk of scandal and outrage, though I personally do not care. I am beyond caring what the people around me think.

But I can tell that the stress is hard on Tomoe. I see how she holds her head high, chin raised defiantly, ignoring the stares and the whispers of the people as we walk through the town. But I see the pain in her eyes; the hurt that these people could believe such things about her. I know she suffers from it, but she is simply too kind-hearted to force us out of her dojo. So she bears it silently, a constant burden on her shoulders, a price she must pay for allowing us to stay in her home.

And though I feel terrible for remaining in her household and causing these rumors, I know there is no way I could possibly ever leave.

* * *

_September 14th, 1874_

The rumors have gotten worse, and I sometimes hear Tomoe crying at night when she thinks I am asleep. Sometimes I hear the door to Kenji's room slide open and I hear the soft patter of his tiny feet on the wooden floor as he passes my room and enters Tomoe's. And I hear him ask her if she is okay. She usually replies she is fine, just happy he is here. Kenji always seems to accept that answer, and after a hug, Kenji pads down the hall to his room. Sometimes he stops by my room and peeks his little head in, whispering to me in the dark.

"Dad!" he'll sometimes say. "Tomoe's crying. You should help her." And I always reassure Kenji I will, and I listen to his bedroom door slide shut, before lying awake on my futon for the rest of the night, listening to the quiet sobs coming from the room beside me.

Just yesterday, Tomoe, Kenji, and I went to town to buy groceries and get something for Kenji to entertain himself with. As we were walking down the street, Tomoe and I each holding one of Kenji's hands as he walked between us, we could hear the whispers and feel the stares of the people watching us as we passed. As Tomoe left us to buy the groceries, I lifted Kenji and sat him on my stone wall, sitting beside him. It still amazes me how quickly he grows. He is now seven years old. We sat on that wall and I talked to him, telling him how I used to sit on this wall every day and listen to the people passing by when he was just a little baby.

A woman I knew named Sayuri passed by then and saw the two of us sitting on the wall. She stopped her daily routine and wandered over to us, smiling warmly at Kenji.

"So this is your son?" she asked curiously, for not many people had seen Kenji and I together before.

"Yes," I replied. Sayuri bent over to look at Kenji at eye level.

"Hi," he greeted her. She smiled at him.

"I see no resemblance of Tomoe in him," she pointed out. I was momentarily shocked to the point that I could not think of a response. By the time I had managed to gain control of my voice, Sayuri had left. I realized what some people must have thought, how the rumors and false assumptions had started. Someone must have thought Kenji was not just my child, but also Tomoe's. Kenji had been little enough when I arrived that many did not know of him. And whenever the people in the towns saw Kenji later on, he was always with Tomoe.

Tomoe returned then, with tears in her eyes and clutching her bags of food to her tightly.

"Kenshin," she had said quietly, "Can we go back to the dojo now?" Her voice was so full of pain and so pleading that I could not say no. I had to apologize to Kenji for not buying him something, but Tomoe needed to get back to the dojo to do some important work. Kenji agreed disappointedly, but he did not complain. We walked back to the dojo, people staring at us blatantly along the way.

That night, I was sitting on the front steps of the dojo, and Tomoe joined me, holding a cup of tea in her hands. She sipped it quietly as we both looked out at the stars.

"Kenshin," she had whispered, still staring at the specks of light in the darkness above us, "Today in town- the people think Kenji is my child." I had simply nodded, knowing she had more to say. "I have told those who have asked me the truth- that I am simply giving you and your son shelter- that he is not mine and we have no secret relationship- but I am afraid the rumors have grown too much that it is not widely believed among the townspeople." With a great sigh, she had turned to me, her eyes glistening with tears. I noticed then how big her brown eyes were- how innocent and unscarred by the horrors of the world.

"Kenshin, I don't know if I can take the gossip much longer. You know I love having you here, but it is growing too much. If people were simply saying things, I would not mind, but they have been harassing me lately, always shoving me and telling me I should be in the geisha house since I love to cater to men." She shuddered and hugged her arms around herself.

"I cannot take the abuse any longer, Kenshin. But I do not know how to stop it. If you leave, people will simply say we did not like people talking, and that is all. The rumors will still continue. But if you stay- people will still believe we are together and that Kenji is my child. I just do not know what to do."

I knew she was right, and I did not know what to do either.

* * *

"Tomoe-san, why don't you come with me? I could show you a good time…"

"Yeah, Tomoe-san, why stay holed up with that feminine guy? Why don't you spend some time with real men…"

"Hey, how's that kid of yours? I hear he looks just like his slutty mother…" Tomoe bit her lip and held her head high as she walked down the street of the town. She clutched her bundles of food closely to her, her fingers gripping the paper packaging tightly.

"Hey, we're talking to you. Think you're too good for us, eh?" Tomoe turned her head away from the repulsive men that were following her. She felt one of them shove her from behind. Instead of protesting, she simply regained her footing and quickened her pace.

"Why are you running away, Tomoe-san?" they mocked her. "Come on… there must be something nice under that kimono of yours for you to be able to keep that man in your dojo for so long…" A tear slipped down Tomoe's cheek.

A harsh hand gripped her arm and yanked her around to face her assailant. She raised her chin defiantly and glared at the large man. No matter how skilled she was, she knew she could never get rid of a man this large. The man leered at her.

"Come on, Tomoe-san, just a little fun," he teased, tugging on the shoulders of her kimono. She shivered as she felt the wind brush across her exposed skin.

The other men laughed at her discomfort. The man reached behind her to untie her obi. Tomoe stepped back and tried to jerk her arm out of his grasp.

"Fiesty, eh? I like 'em feisty." Tomoe struggled to free herself from the man's grasp, but he was very strong.

"Please," she pleaded. "Let me go." The man laughed at her desperate tone.

"I don't think I will. I want you to show me how good you are." Tomoe's tears streamed relentlessly down her cheeks.

"Please," she whispered. The man continued to try to remove her kimono. "Let me go!" she shouted.

The other men circled in on her. She dropped the purchased food from the town and lashed out at them. She kicked and hit them, but to no avail. Her fist managed to land on one of the men's faces, giving him a black eye.

"Why you little…" he growled. He reached out and punched her in the stomach. She doubled over, coughing harshly. Before she could escape, the men ganged up on her and beat her. She felt their fists and their feet every time they connected painfully. She wished someone would happen by and save her.

She closed her eyes tightly, willing the pain to go away. The men laughed as they beat her.

All of a sudden, she gasped and opened her eyes widely before squeezing them shut again. One of the men had managed to rip her kimono, revealing her pale skin in the sunlight. The men laughed.

"Come on," one of them said. "She's not putting up a fight anymore. This isn't any fun." The men agreed and with one last kick to her side, they left. Tomoe lie motionless in the dirt until she was sure they were gone. Then she tried to lift herself off the ground, but collapsed on her weak arms. She shivered and coughed up blood. Every inch of her hurt- not to mention her pride. She let out a strangled cry as she tried to cover herself with her tattered kimono. She unsteadily got to her feet, clinging to a nearby tree. Once her legs stopped shaking so she could walk, she set out towards the dojo.

She stumbled as she walked, staggering in her pain. She hugged her arms around herself and hunched over- that position seemed to relieve some of the pain in her chest, not to mention it covered her up better than if she stood upright. She fell often when she tripped over unseen roots or rocks. There was no one on the road to help her.

She glanced up to see where she was and was relieved to see the dojo gates drawing nearer. When she finally stumbled up to them, she grasped the gate in her hands, using it to support her.

"Ken- Kenshin," she croaked. Kenshin was playing with Kenji and Enishi in the yard. Kenshin looked up, his happy expression quickly changing to anger and shock.

"Tomoe?" he asked, getting up and running towards her. Tomoe felt her body growing heavy. Blackness edged in around her vision.

"I can't do this anymore," she whispered and collapsed before Kenshin could reach her.

* * *

_February 17th, 1875_

Tomoe and I found a solution to stop the rumors. Tomoe endured much more verbal and unfortunately, physical abuse at my expense for allowing me to remain under her roof. When she had returned to the dojo bruised and barely able to support herself, I knew I must do something to help. And so I tried to think of any possible way the people would accept the fact that Tomoe was allowing me to board in her dojo. I only came up with one solution.

So Tomoe and I were married on January 5th, 1875. Neither of us really love each other romantically, but we know that it is the only way the people will leave her alone. We still sleep in separate bedrooms and we do not act as a married couple might. We are simply married by name, but not by action. Once the people heard of our marriage, the rumors and abuse died down. Slowly- but die down it did. Tomoe can now walk through the town without fearing for her health, and I can rest easy knowing I will not be the cause of her harm. People accept that we live together now.

Kenji is eight, almost nine, and growing rapidly. His progress astounds me- it always amazes me how much he picks up from listening to people talk or simply by watching things. He is very observant, and he is a sweet, innocent child. I love him dearly, with all of my heart. He is the one thing I cherish in this life now.

* * *

_May 19th, 1875_

It sometimes astounds me, yet sometimes seems to throw me off-balance, how different my life is from eight years ago. Nearly eight years ago people feared to look me in the eye, other than Kaoru and Katsura. Eight years ago I caused the nightmares of not only little children, but full-grown adults, too. Eight years ago, only three people knew my real name. Eight years ago I was an assassin, cold, heartless, and a monster.

Now that I look at my life, it makes me laugh to myself how different everything is. People smile and greet me warmly. I am known as a law-abiding, helpful, kind citizen. People do not know I was once Battousai the manslayer- the man who has probably killed some of their family members or friends. People do not cower in fear from me- I am not treated with that kind of respect that is only present when one fears for their life. People talk back to me or insult me- something that has not happened since I was fourteen years old. And every time someone retorts nastily to my face about something I have said or done, I can only smile and chuckle in amusement. Instead of hurting me with their words, I find great pleasure in the fact that I am now treated like a human. That people do not know who I was. What I was. And the more people talk casually, tease me, joke around, or simply look me in the eye, the more and more I believe Kaoru's words. I am not the Battousai. I am Himura Kenshin, widowed husband to Kamiya Kaoru, father to Kenji, and resident with the title of marriage to Tomoe. And that suits me perfectly.

* * *

_October 3rd, 1875_

A rather exciting event has occurred recently in my life. Normally my life passes by me in a blur- I notice certain things, things like times spent with Kenji, but mostly it leaves my memory.

I was out on the front porch of the dojo, watching the stars, when Tomoe joined me for one of our frequent talks under the night sky. Sometimes we wouldn't even talk. Sometimes we simply sat in silence, enjoying each other's company. Other times we discussed Kenji and his increasing progress. He was a very smart child, that we were sure of. He seemed to know much more than others his age.

Most of the time we talked about meaningless things- how Yuki was faring, what Tomoe had done that day, how her lessons with her students were going. Shallow, on the surface conversation.

And yet other times we discussed deeper subjects. Those deeper subjects usually revolved around the past- my past to be specific. They would usually start off with something unrelated- how beautiful the midnight sky was, how brilliantly bright the moon and stars were- and it somehow related to a certain night in one of our memories. We would reminisce about the positive aspects of those times- we found very little- and then we would delve into the depths of the darker side, the unsaid things that needed to be said, the unheard things that needed to be heard. The unexpressed that needed to be expressed. Everything that wasn't, was, on those nights.

I am not sure if those nighttime discussions helped at all, or if they were simply giving us something to discuss, something to analyze and occupy our minds with. But whatever the reason for them, we held them often, always an unspoken agreement. Somehow we always _knew_ when to be on the porch those nights. Other nights, we knew it was not the time for our porch discussions, and so we would separate to our different rooms and sleep the night away, waiting for the next night the stars would beckon and the moon would shine invitingly, and we would meet again on the steps.

Those times we dove into deeper waters, the darker recesses of our minds, Kaoru often became the topic of discussion. I know that Tomoe could sense I still had not recovered from the shock of her death, and she knew how much it killed me inside, though I held an amiable and cheerful front. And I knew that though she remained calm and wonderfully kind, she was still grieving for Kaoru too. And so on those nights when our thoughts turned to her, which was every night, as she was constantly in our minds, we were comforted simply by each other's presence. Sometimes we discussed her, and sometimes we didn't. Some nights she needed to be discussed, others, it was simply the wrong time. But she was always there- a presence clouding our thoughts, constantly a reminder of why I was here, why Tomoe cared for Kenji, why we were now married.

It was on one of these nights that we were brought sharply back to reality, away from our galaxies beyond the stars, when we heard the creaking of the dojo gates, and we each feared different things. Tomoe's mind immediately thought of the men in town who had harassed her for living with me- the abusers and the scorners. My mind immediately went to my past- the Choshu, Katsura himself, maybe, come to finish my son and I off, and Tomoe, too.

We both tensed, and we could sense each other's tight muscles, though we did not touch. We could feel the electricity charging the air around us, the dense, constricted feel to the atmosphere. Tomoe rose slowly, watching the approaching two figures warily, their identity and sex still unapparent at such a distance. I rose to my feet too, gripping the handle of my reverse-blade sword.

And as the two figures stepped into the light, they provoked a different reaction in Tomoe and I. Tomoe still remained hesitant, though the sight of the beautiful woman seemed to calm her. She obviously believed that since such a refined, lovely woman was present, they were not here to harm her.

I however, tensed even more. I eyed the woman warily, not sure exactly why she was here, why she was with _that_ man, and _how_ she even knew where I was. I had been careful to conceal my whereabouts from the Choshu, but I did not put it past them to find me one day. Rumors of me were bound to spread. I started mentally calculating how quickly I could pack up my things and leave Tomoe in peace. Of course I would take Kenji with me.

I was sure this woman was here to torment me- to bring back the painful memories of my past. She was here to destroy me, though why she strode casually across the dojo's courtyard with that man, I had no idea.

"Hello," Tomoe called out, still wary. She sensed my immediate distrust and trusted my instincts rather than her own first impression. "Can I help you?" The man and woman stopped at the bottom of the steps to the dojo and looked up at us. The woman's lip turned up in a sly smile- the smile I hated and loved at the same time. The man stared at me for a moment, then turned slowly to Tomoe, his brow furrowed in obvious confusion. He glanced around conspicuously as if searching for something or someone.

"Hello, Ken-san." Megumi's voice still sounded as sweet and seductive as it had before.

"Megumi-san," I replied stiffly, inclining my head towards her. She emitted a soft giggle, the sound of tinkling bells. I turned to the man.

"Sagara Sanosuke, I don't believe we had the pleasure of getting to know each other very well. However, I cannot say I am happy you are here."

"I understand completely," Sano said with a wry grin.

"Megumi-san, is there a reason for your visit? Other than to disturb the peace, as your visits undoubtedly do." Megumi laughed again, much louder this time and walked up the steps, looping her arm through mine. I gently but forcefully pulled my arm from her grasp and was grateful for once that Tomoe and I were married. I slipped my hand into hers and stepped back from Megumi.

"Megumi-san, I don't believe you have ever had the pleasure of meeting my wife, Tomoe." Megumi's face froze, her eyes puzzled and questioning. She looked between Tomoe and I for a moment before clearing her throat and taking on her professional side.

"I- I thought you said before that you had married the Tanuki girl-"

"I did." My tone left no room for questions, and Megumi did not press any further. She knew that if I were willing to tell, I would explain on my own time.

"Where is the little raccoon anyways?" Sano asked curiously, looking over our shoulders. I tensed and my eyes grew guarded; a flood of memories came back to me with their arrival. Memories of rushing Kaoru to the Takani Medical Center while she was in labor, remembering the moment Megumi had announced I had a son- that I was a father. I looked away and turned into the house without any further words. I sat myself in the kitchen, knowing they would follow in their own time.

Tomoe kindly led them into the kitchen and seated them around the low table before me. I avoided looking up into the questioning eyes of the two, and Tomoe seated herself gently beside me. She reached across the table to pour tea into their cups.

"Kenshin-" Megumi began, but she halted suddenly. I looked up, seeing the indecision on her face.

"Yes Megumi-san?" I encouraged her.

"How did you meet Tomoe?" she asked after a moment of deliberation. I sighed wearily and closed my eyes, rubbing my temples soothingly before opening my eyes again to watch her.

And so I unfolded my tale- my horrific, nightmarish tale of sorrow and sadness. Megumi and Sano remained silent throughout it all, however, Megumi's eyes did fill with tears often, but she managed to keep her tears under check.

After explaining I would rather not answer any more questions for the night, I excused myself and left to check on Kenji. He was still awake in his room, lying on his bed with his arms folded behind his head, staring at the ceiling blankly. He turned his head slowly at the sound of my approaching footsteps and smiled brightly.

He exclaimed my name excitedly and sat up. I lifted him up off the bed and held him in my arms. He was much bigger now- nearly four and a half feet tall. I explained that there was someone I wanted him to meet- someone he would not remember, but she was a kind woman who had helped his mom very much. Kenji seemed to accept that.

I brought Kenji out into the kitchen, and I saw with delight how Megumi's eyes widened in surprise as she took in the sight of my eight-year-old son.

"Oh, Kenshin, he looks so much like her," she had breathed. I gently lowered Kenji and set him on his feet. I introduced him to Megumi, and she asked if she could hug him. After holding his body to hers for a moment, she pulled back and studied his face, her lips curving gracefully in a smile.

We spent the rest of the night talking- talking about nothing in particular, and the subject of Kaoru and the eight years of my absence in Kyoto were never broached. We learned that Megumi and Sano had married a year previously, and so Tomoe graciously offered them an extra room in her dojo for the duration of their visit.

They left the next morning.

* * *

_December 12th, 1875_

The winter is much colder and harsher than normal this year. Kenji has caught a cold and has been sneezing often. We constantly keep a fire lit in the dojo, and Kenji has taken to residing in front of it for the duration of the day.

Tomoe still continues to teach her students, and I occasionally help.

On these cold winter days, my thoughts often drift to Kaoru. I am plagued by memories; the chill of the air and the falling snowflakes dampen my mood, depressing me further. Kenji has often commented on my sullen exterior, asking if I am okay. I always lie and tell him everything is fine.

It is on these dreary days that I fall further and further into myself, missing Kaoru more than ever. I often wonder if I will ever be freed from this seemingly eternal torment and suffering in my mind.

* * *

_  
_

_June 13th, 1876_

Kenji is nine years old now. I cannot believe that through all my misery, the time has gone by much quicker than I first perceived. He loves to laugh and play. He is a very smart boy, and I am more proud of him than words can say.

* * *

_August 7th, 1878_

I realize how little I seem to write in this journal now, but every time I happen to glance at this book of mine, I cannot bring myself to sit down and write in it. I feel there are no more words left to express the way I feel. I find little happiness in the things around me now, and I know it alarms Tomoe deeply, though she is too kind to confront me about it. Kenji is eleven now, and he is a very observant boy. He knows that I am not happy; it pains me when I see how his face falls when he sees I am not in the mood to play with him. But no matter how it saddens me to see his face, I cannot bring myself to paste a fake smile on my face and pretend that all is right.

* * *

_November 2nd, 1881_

Kenji has turned fourteen now, and he is becoming quite the impressive young man. He is wise beyond his years; I fear it is because of my lack of attention that he has been forced to grow up before his time. He asks a lot of questions now- though never directly to my face. Some he asks me- useless things, simply prattle that means nothing and he knows will not hurt me. I feel pathetic and weak that my own son feels the need to protect me from the hurtful words of others, yet at the same time I am eternally grateful to him for caring for me enough to do so.

My depression has progressed- that I am sure of. I can exactly pinpoint the day that marked my digression. It was June 3rd of this year. I had returned from washing the laundry in the yard of the dojo, carrying the basket of freshly cleaned clothes in my arms. As I walked down the hallway, I could hear Kenji asking Tomoe questions. I always enjoyed listening to his questions- he asked Tomoe much more interesting things than he did me. It was always a pleasure to listen to his ideas and the things his smart little brain came up with.

I was not eavesdropping, per se; I was simply folding the clean, dry clothes and placing them in a nearby room. Their voices carried through the thin paper walls, and I entertained myself with their chatter. However, I could feel my skin grow cold and my mind start to shut down in shock and denial as I heard the words they uttered.

"Tomoe-san?" Kenji's sweet voice had asked.

"Yes Ken-chan?" Tomoe replied, no doubt cooking lunch as they conversed. I could hear the steady chop of her knife as it connected with the wooden board beneath the vegetables she was slicing.

"Do you worry about Dad?" It was at this point I had frozen. My hands hovered frantically above the pile of fresh clothes I had just rested on Tomoe's futon as I strained my ears to catch their words. Tomoe spoke softly, her voice an audible whisper.

"Very much, Ken-chan."

"I do, too," Kenji confessed. His words drove a stake through my heart, piercing my soul. I had never meant to worry or stress Kenji with my own troubles. "Why- why is he so sad?" he asked, and instead of hearing his usually curious and intellectual voice, I could feel the hurt and anguish behind his words.

"Your father is… trying, Ken-chan. He does the best he can."

"But why? Why is Dad so sad all the time?" Tomoe sighed and I could hear her set the knife down on the wooden cutting board.

"Kenji, you must understand it is not because of you," she began softly, and I could just imagine Tomoe placing her gentle hands on Kenji's shoulders, looking him straight in the eye to convey the depth of her words.

"I know- I know it's not me. But why, Tomoe? What makes Dad so sad? Is it my mother?" Tomoe sighed and I knew she was going to do it- she was going to do exactly as I had told her not to. However, I could not force my feet to move, I could not force myself to call out and stop her before she ruined it- before she ruined everything. Because I knew deep inside that he was old enough to know- old enough to realize the truth.

"Your father is sad because your mother died a long time ago- he's never really gotten over it," Tomoe said softly, and I could feel my breath steadily leave my lungs as I breathed again.

"Why did my mom have to leave my dad?" And I held my breath again, not because I feared Tomoe would reveal the truth to Kenji, but because as he spoke, I realized that he was crying. I could hear the tears in his voice, and I could only imagine his fists clenched tightly by his sides as Tomoe tried to comfort him. "I hate her!" He eventually shouted, his tears dropping to the ground. "I hate her, Tomoe! How could she be so mean? To leave me and Dad?" And as I sank to my knees, my hands covering my face, hiding my tears, I realized how wrong I was to hide the truth from him for all these years. He hated the one person that had brought me joy and happiness in my life- the person who was so kind, so gentle, so loving, so simply wonderful. His own mother, my beloved wife, the most innocent and tender woman that ever existed. One who was so willing to forgive others, who always gave others a second chance. She was such a caring person- and yet he hated her, because he thought she brought me despair and depression. And just that thought tore me to pieces inside.

So I had risen to my feet quickly, collecting myself and hurriedly trying to wipe away my tears but failing, and flung myself into the dojo kitchen, wrapping my arms around my boy- Kaoru's little boy.

"Don't you ever believe for one moment that your mother was a bad woman. She was the kindest, gentlest, most forgiving woman anyone could possibly meet, and you should never hate her for leaving. She could not help it, Kenji. She did not leave us by choice. She loved us both more than words can say- always know that."

"Then why did Mom have to leave?" Kenji cried, clutching my shirt in his fists and burying his head in my shoulder. "Why did she go away from us?" I swallowed and held him away, at arms length, and stared him in the eye then.

"Your mother was killed, Kenji," I said bluntly, and I could see the physical impact it had on him. His whole body seemed to crumple with those few words. "We were going to be killed- some bad people were going to kill us. And your mother was hurt- she just couldn't run anymore. So she gave you to me and told me that I needed to save you- that I needed to do everything I possibly could to save our child. And so I did as she asked, because I knew there was no other way, though every day I wish there were some way to save her. And so I took you and we hid, and she was killed. Your mother died to save both of us, Kenji. She loved both of us so much, so don't ever hate her for not being here. She is not the cause of my unhappiness- I am only sad because of myself. Always remember that your mother was a good woman- a gentle, loving, caring woman."

Even though I knew Kenji must learn someday of what really happened to Kaoru, I still hate it. And the fact that all these years he harbored hate for her because of my own incompetence only furthers my hate of myself.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

_February 6th, 1883_

Kenji is sixteen years old now. He has turned out to be a very strong, responsible young man, and I am very proud of him. I am only angry with myself for not helping him more.

These past years have been hard- Kenji knows that no matter how hard he tries, my happiness is not something that he can control, yet he still tries. And it breaks my heart to see him trying so hard. And I hate myself for not being happier to ease his struggles.

One ray of light did enter my life a few days ago, however. I was walking around the front of the dojo and towards the back, when I heard two people talking. One was Kenji- the other, an unfamiliar voice that I had never heard before. I stopped just behind a tree to see whom my son was conversing with, and saw him standing with a young woman around his own age. For the first time in a long time, I felt a smile creep to my lips as I realized my son was infatuated with this girl, as I had never seen him stammer or blush before in anyone's presence.

The woman seemed to be equally smitten with Kenji, as she glanced nervously down at her feet often to hide the faint blush in her own cheeks. The words they exchanged were meaningless, I could tell- it was the message in their eyes that made them anxious.

And as I watched them standing under the cherry blossom tree, I saw my son hesitantly lean forward towards the girl, his head tilted ever so slightly, constantly wary. He lifted one hand gracefully and tenderly cupped the underside of her jaw in his hand and he brought his mouth to hers. And I felt myself glow with pride and happiness as I witnessed my son's first love.

Both blushed profusely and I decided to save them from further embarrassment by stepping back into the front courtyard and calling to Kenji, as if I had been in the front all along. I walked back towards the backside of the dojo and caught him hurriedly say goodbye to the young woman as he turned to me. The woman quickly tried to leave, but not before I called out to her and stopped her.

I inquired of her name, for any friend of my son's was a friend to the whole household. She replied that her name was Sakiko, and she was also sixteen years old, like my son. She lived with her parents who ran the small restaurant I fancied in town. I immediately decided I liked her and proceeded to tell both Kenji and Sakiko that I fully approved of their relationship so long as I received discounts at the Akabeko- her parent's restaurant. Both stammered and blushed again, both realizing that I had known all along as to their budding relationship. And as I waved goodbye to young Sakiko and led my son back into the dojo, I could not help but smile. And Kenji caught it, too.

* * *

_March 3rd, 1885_

I cannot begin to describe my overwhelming joy at the moment. Kenji and Sakiko continued to meet and their relationship grew quickly over the next couple of years. Just over a month ago, they were married and Kenji moved out of the dojo into his own little home, even though Tomoe and I reassured him there was plenty of room at the dojo for the both of them.

The day he left, he pulled me aside and told me that he knew how hard it was for me to remain in Tokyo, where everything reminded me of Kaoru. He told me that he wanted to leave the dojo because he didn't want me to feel obligated to remain here any longer, where the memories were the most painful. He was grateful that I had stayed with him, but he wanted me to be happy too. And so he left the dojo. And though I think about his words every day, I am not sure that I can bring myself to leave Tokyo again. I am not sure I would ever be able to come back, because leaving Kaoru a second time was just as hard as the first.

* * *

"Do you think he will leave?" Sakiko asked gently, taking Kenji's hand in hers. Kenji shrugged.

"I don't know. I told him I didn't want him to feel obligated to remain here any longer- I am grateful he stayed in Tokyo while I was growing up. But-" Kenji turned and looked sadly into Sakiko's eyes, "Sakiko, you should have seen my father when I was growing up. He was so sad… it was like he had given up on life. I know the only reason he stayed in Tokyo was to watch me. If he hadn't, I'm not so sure he would have even lived this long. He has no desire to continue on." Tears filled Sakiko's eyes.

"Your father is a kind, wonderful, loving man, Kenji. It's sad to think he wants to give up." Kenji nodded morosely.

"Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to move back into the dojo just to keep an eye on him, but…" Kenji's voice drifted off and he stared at a small, clear pond beside them.

"But what?" Sakiko prodded.

"But my father has endured so much… It'd be unfair to make him live any longer than he wants to just for my own selfish reasons." Sakiko's breath caught in her throat.

"Do you really think he'll die?" she whispered fearfully. Kenji turned to look back at Sakiko and smiled sadly.

"I have no doubt in my mind he'll die from grief. I want him to live longer- I want him to be here. He's my father, after all. But- he's lived longer than I think he ever expected to."

"How old is your father?" Sakiko asked curiously. Kenji shook his head.

"It'll only depress you even more."

"Tell me," she whispered. Kenji sighed.

"My father is 40," Kenji exhaled sadly. Sakiko covered her mouth.

"No, he can't already be dying… he is so young!" she protested. Kenji nodded sadly.

"I know. I don't want him to die. But I just don't have the heart to stop him."

* * *

_July 19th, 1885_

Now that Kenji is gone, only Tomoe and I are left in this little dojo. Tomoe is a quiet woman, and it gets lonely without Kenji's loud spirit around to fill the halls. I sink further and further into my thoughts of Kaoru, and I wonder if she's happy back in her own time. I do not want her to feel sad for all that has transpired in her absence- if not for her, I would not have that bright spark in my life so many years ago. I would not have my wonderful son, or his beautiful wife. I would not have kind, gentle Tomoe to take care of me. I would probably be dead by now, had the Choshu known where I was.

I have been working on a project of sorts for quite some time now. Kaoru always told me that she had read about me and her namesake on the most beautiful document she had ever seen. She described it to me, telling me how it was covered in calligraphy and the writing was simply gorgeous. I was thinking, one night, about this document that she loved so much, and realized that no one in the world would write such a document about me. The Choshu clan would never want something noting my existence to be written. And no one else knew anything about me.

Which led me to the conclusion that the only way Kaoru could have acquired such a document with information about a manslayer no one knows about, is to have that same manslayer write it. So these months that Kenji has been gone, I have been spending all of my time writing the document that Kaoru loved so much. I hope that one day she might discover it was me who wrote it; that she has some connection to me still. If I cannot be with her, at least I can give her my words.

Tomoe has fallen ill. She can hardly get out of bed in the mornings, and I tend to her throughout the day. I do not complain, though- Tomoe has spent the last several years doing the same for me- I can only try to repay her for her kindness. I am not sure what is causing her illness, but she is so frail and weak. I fear that this may be too hard on her small body. She sleeps most of the day, and when she is awake, she coughs a lot; loud, racking coughs that sound as if they tear through her body.

It is painful for me to simply listen to her from another room as she coughs up blood and cries in agony.

* * *

_August 5th, 1885_

Tomoe died three days ago. She never did recover from her illness. She progressively grew worse and worse, until finally, the pain was too much to bear, and she died. Just before she slipped away, she held my hand and smiled, telling me that she'd be able to see her Akira and my beloved Kaoru again. And she promised to tell Kaoru I love her. I could only nod my thanks before she was gone.

* * *

_April 16th, 1886_

I am all alone in this dojo. I spend all of my time trying to finish the document for my Kaoru. There is no noise- no conversation to distract me. I am alone to wallow in my own self-pity and hate. To wade in the memories of Kaoru. And it's these memories that consume me and pull me under the ever-rising tide around me.

* * *

"Kenji," Kenshin croaked, reaching for Kenji's hand.

"Yes, father?" Kenji asked quietly, clasping his father's frail hand in his own.

"There's something I need to tell you- something neither Tomoe nor I ever told you… I am sorry we never did, but we believed it to be for the best. It would keep you safe if you didn't know." Kenji frowned worriedly at his ailing father. Kenshin was bedridden now, his body weak and deteriorating.

"Father, just save your strength. You need it." Kenshin shook his head fiercely.

"No. I am going to die, I know that. This is important." Kenji remained silent, waiting for his father to continue.

"Kenji, what stories have you heard about the Bakumatsu?" Kenji frowned.

"I don't know… not many. I only know that I was born in the last year of it. That's it." Kenshin nodded.

"Have you ever heard the stories and rumors about the devil they call the Battousai?" Kenji frowned.

"Some stories."

"What did they say?" Kenji tried to remember back to the time he had been playing with others his age and he had heard the stories from the children. He thought it was all just a scary story they liked to tell. Probably one that the parents had started to keep their children in line. They would probably tell the story of the monster Battousai and end it with one of those little morals like, "So if you don't behave, the Battousai will come and get you."

Kenji shrugged.

"He was a manslayer. No one really knows much about him. He disappeared in the end with no trace. He was a shadow assassin. That's about all I know, other than the fact people were terrified of him. But the stories aren't true, are they?" Kenshin winced and stared up at the ceiling.

"People don't know why he disappeared or where he went. But I do." Kenji sucked in his breath and squeezed his father's hand.

"You knew him?" Kenshin looked sadly at his son.

"The Battousai was a monster created by the Choshu clan. They started the revolution. Battousai was an orphan boy training with a man named Hiko Seijuro, master of the Hiten Mitsurugi Style. The boy had a strange skill with the sword, one that was unnatural, almost eerie. Katsura, the leader of the Choshu clan, found the Battousai when he was fifteen years old and took him, making the Battousai the man he was. He gave him the nickname Battousai and trained him to kill. This mere teenager became the fear in everyone's minds. People weren't safe in their beds at night because they knew the Battousai was out there somewhere.

"Battousai was a cold, heartless boy. Because he killed so early on in his life, it was almost as if he had no emotion whatsoever. He was a destroyer of life. And then, when he was eighteen years old, he was assigned something different. Instead of a mission to kill, Battousai was assigned to save someone, to rescue them. So Battousai set out, confused by this demand, for he had never fought to keep someone alive before." Kenshin started coughing and Kenji winced at the sound. It looked painful.

"The person was especially unusual… because it was a girl. A girl by the name of Kamiya Kaoru."

"Mother?" Kenji exclaimed. Kenshin nodded.

"Your mother was being held prisoner by Shinomori Aoshi. She was tortured and used on dangerous assignments. Katsura believed she would be useful for Choshu, so the Battousai was sent to rescue her and bring her to Katsura. When she woke, she recognized nothing. She did not seem to know where she was, what year it was, and she recognized none of the ordinary everyday objects.

"She was assigned to be Battousai's accomplice- she would go with him on every assignment and help him, whether it was distracting civilians or cleaning up afterwards.

"Your mother was a very happy and spirited person. Her attitude surprised Battousai, because he had never met anyone that would speak so freely with him. She was not afraid of him as everyone else was. This was probably because she believed she was from a different time.

"You see… your mother believed she lived in the year 2000 in America. She told Battousai of the technology and the daily life she experienced. At first, Battousai could not believe it, but her descriptions were so realistic, and she seemed to really be relating things through memory, so he began to believe her. So you see, your mother did not grow up with the fear of being killed by Battousai. She spoke with him as a friend might. Eventually, she began to break the wall Battousai had erected around his heart.

"Battousai began to care about your mother, and she realized she felt something for him as well.

"Your mother also had this strange way with getting things out of Katsura. Katsura usually never gave in to requests, but he could not seem to refuse your mother. So your mother demanded a vacation for the two of them- Battousai and herself. Katsura obliged, and they packed their bags and left for Edo.

"They arrived here, at this dojo, and met Tomoe. She allowed them to stay. She told them of her husband, Akira, who was a politician. He was currently in Kyoto working. Both your mother and the Battousai feared he would be assigned to kill her husband. Tomoe overheard a conversation of theirs while they stayed here, and discovered whom they really were. But after much explanation, she accepted their friendship. While here, they married secretly."

"Mom married the Battousai?" Kenji exclaimed, not able to contain himself anymore.

"Yes, she did. Because you see, she looked past the killing and the title. She began to see the man he was on the inside, the one he had tried to bury to protect himself. And she found that he wasn't so bad after all.

"So they married secretly, and when they returned to Kyoto, they did not announce their marriage. Battousai was assigned to kill Akira, Tomoe's husband. Your mother was sent along to help. That was the hardest mission for the both of them. Your mother was supposed to distract the guards and lead them away. Instead of trying to seduce the guards like she normally did, all she could think of was Tomoe. So she told Akira she knew Tomoe- and Akira sent his guards away himself to discuss Tomoe with your mother. Battousai knew he could not allow your mother to keep conversing with Akira, otherwise she would become too attached and would have a difficult time with his death. So Battousai came to kill him, but your mother stopped him. They apologized to Akira, and told him how much Tomoe said she had missed him and loved him. And then they apologized once more before Battousai killed him."

"He killed him? Even though he had stayed with the man's wife? How could he live with that? How could mother let him?" Kenji asked, disgusted and outraged.

"You must understand- the Bakumatsu was not a time of forgiveness. Had the Battousai and your mother allowed Akira to live, they would forfeit their own lives.

"Not long after, they discovered your mother was pregnant. Both feared that the clan would realize that Battousai was the father, which would be very dangerous for all three of them. Most of the men knew your mother was pregnant before she even started to show, because a lot of the assassins could sense a persons chi. They immediately sensed the chi of the baby.

"So they told the men in the clan that she had been raped on their trip to Edo. No one dared to question them- after all, that is such a tender subject. Besides- your mother intimidated all of the assassins in the complex." Kenji chuckled at that.

"Eventually, though, people began to suspect things. Battousai was acting a little too friendly towards your mother. Well, friendly to everyone else- Battousai never really spoke to others within the clan, so his sudden interest in speaking with your mother did not go unnoticed. Katsura began to ask both your mother and Battousai whether they knew who the father was. Both replied they did not, however, they suspected Katsura already knew.

"And then, your mother went in to labor, and Battousai rushed her to the clinic where his personal doctor worked- Takani Megumi. You happened to meet her some years ago when you were eight years old. She knew of their secret, and she kept her word not to speak of it. But when the baby was born- he looked too much like Battousai. Everyone would know with one glance who the father really was. They would know it was not rape. And so Battousai and your mother did not know what to do.

"When they returned, they tried to hide the baby from as many as they could. However, Katsura asked to see the baby. So when they brought him their son, they confessed to Katsura that Battousai was the father. Katsura also confessed that he already knew of this.

"At the time, the end of the revolution was drawing to a close. And unbeknownst to the assassins in the Choshu, Katsura was killing them all off, one by one. He assigned his assassins to kill each other. You see- he could not have anyone who knew of what he really did walking around Japan once peace had been restored. So he slowly killed off all his employees.

"One night as they were sleeping, your mother woke because she heard something in the hall. Battousai went to see what it was, and discovered that men had been sent to attack them. They quickly packed up what few belongings they could.

"Battousai and your mother ran away with their son to try and find peace elsewhere. While they were trying to escape into the night, a bunch of men from Choshu attacked them." Kenshin stopped and stared up at the ceiling.

"I loved your mother very much," he said, almost to himself. Kenji frowned. He didn't know why his father had changed the subject at such a drastic point.

"Father? What happened to them? Did the baby and Battousai die? Is that why they are not here with us? How did you meet mother?" Kenshin smiled sadly.

"Have you ever heard of what Battousai looks like? The rumors of his appearance?" Kenji shook his head.

"Well, it is said that he is actually quite small, which allows him to be so fast and agile. He also happens to have a very feminine face. He had glowing amber colored eyes. That's all I know."

"The Battousai did have amber eyes when he killed—but when he was happy… oh, on those rare occasions he was happy, his eyes turned violet. He had an unusual scar on his face—a cross on his left cheek. He also had long, red hair…" Kenji stared at his father-the spitting image of the description of Battousai. Kenji released his father's hand and backed up, shaking his head slowly.

"No, it's not true," he whispered. "You—You're the Battousai?" Kenshin nodded sadly.

"Unfortunately. I am the Hitokiri Battousai. While your mother and I were running from the men attacking us, one of the men threw a dagger, which hit your mother's leg. She could not run. So she handed you to me and told me to run far, far away where we could live in peace. She told me to leave her behind and save her precious baby." Kenshin's eyes filled with tears.

"Not a day goes by that don't I wish I had hid you in the forest and gone back to try to save her. I was strong then- I could have killed them all." He shook his head and laughed at himself.

"And now look at me- wasted away, a pitiful old man at the age of 40."

"Father- are all of the stories true, then?" he asked hesitantly. "Did you really kill three hundred men while you were with the Choshu?" Kenshin smiled.

"Ah, so you did hear more stories. I thought so. You have to understand, Kenji, I did not want to kill those people. Even now I am tortured with the memory of them all. All three hundred." Kenshin sighed and took Kenji's hand back in his own.

"So I hid in the forest, holding you, and watched as they caught up to your mother. They spoke to her for a while, and then she glanced at the forest, directly at me, and they drove a sword through her heart. Your mother died that night." Kenshin drew in a long, shuddering breath.

"I ran away then, running as far as I could while trying not to hurt you. We traveled for weeks together, Kenji. I stopped only every so often to buy some milk for you to drink so you would not starve. I didn't waste anything on myself. After weeks of traveling, I wound up in a town I recognized- it was Edo. I ran to the dojo I knew Tomoe lived in; however, I was not sure she would take us in because of what I had done to her husband.

"When I arrived there, I was so weak and starved that I only had time to hand you over to Tomoe before I collapsed. When I woke up several days later, Tomoe had taken care of both you and I. She took us in, even though I had wronged her. She was sad that I had killed her husband, but she also understood. We had already discussed the possibility of this happening before your mother and I had left to go back to Kyoto.

"Tomoe has been so kind to us both. She suffered much because of me, yet she still took care of us. I am afraid to say I was not very strong then, and I refused to speak. Tomoe did not even know your name until you were probably three months old. I was so sad, so depressed that I had lost your mother. She was the only person my entire life that showed me any sort of compassion. I had a rough childhood, and then was thrust into the world of war.

"After a while, I could not stand to stay in Edo any longer. Everywhere I looked held memories your mother and I shared on that brief vacation she managed to extract from Katsura. It grew so much that I didn't want to live any longer. So when I was sure you would be safe with Tomoe, I left to wander. I am still sorry that I was not there to see you grow when you were little, to provide you with a home like so many other fathers do. But I could not take being in that dojo, in that place I had been so happy before. The place where we had been married, where I finally had a friend in the world, the place you were conceived- it was unbearable. I needed to escape. So I left. And every day I was gone, I thought of you, Tomoe, and Kaoru, your mother. I made it all the way to China before I realized something Kaoru had always told me.

"Your mother always pointed out how odd things were. She would always ask how I could stand to live in such an uncivilized place with no electricity or… well, things I don't even know what she was saying. She said she was from the year 2000. And so when I really thought about it, I began to realize that your mother most likely did not die that night during the Bakumatsu. Your mother returned to her own time, in 2000 in America. I still do not know if this is true, but I believe it to be so. I believe your mother is alive and healthy back in her own time.

"Which led me to something else. If your mother is still alive in another time- she may be able to meet our descendants. Which is why I told you all of this. I want you to know the story of Battousai, the manslayer, and his wife, Kamiya Kaoru, and their wonderful little son that she sacrificed her life for, Himura Kenji. I want you to pass this on to your children, and their children, and their children's children. I want the story to continue through the ages, until it may one day reach your mother in 2000." Kenshin re-wetted his lips with his tongue and struggled to sit up. Kenji helped him and Kenshin reached into a small sack next to his futon.

"I want you to have this," he said, handing the parchment to Kenji. "Take special care of it. It is a document with names and history of people in the Choshu. I wrote this, just the way your mother told me she had read about me. She always told me of this beautiful document she had read that had her own name and the name of Battousai on the paper. It was what led her to me. And one day while thinking, I realized that the only way a document about Battousai would ever be written was if the Battousai himself wrote it. So I want you to keep this safe, and when you are about to pass on, give it to your children, and their children, and so on. Keep passing it down, until the day Kaoru may receive it.

"And take these," Kenshin said, handing Kenji all of his journals. "These are my journals from the time I arrived in Edo until now. I want these to be passed on as well, so that Kaoru may know of what happened to the two of us. You may write in them as well, if you wish. Your mother may read them one day. It will probably be the only way you will ever get to speak with her." Kenshin sighed and closed his eyes.

"I am tired now. I think I'll go to sleep." Kenji held Kenshin's hand tightly and watched his father's chest rise and fall slowly, until it rose no more. A tear slid down Kenji's cheek and he squeezed his father's hand once more before standing and looking at the journals and document Kenshin had given him.

"I will make sure mother gets these," Kenji promised. Then he left to tell Sakiko the news of his father's passing.

* * *

_June 8th, 1886_

I, Himura Kenji, complete my father's journal for him. My father, Himura Kenshin, also known as the hitokiri Battousai, passed away on June 7th, 1886. The same day my mother was killed, nineteen years before. Before leaving this life, he told me everything- everything about himself, everything about my mother, Kamiya Kaoru. Everything. And though it is hard to believe, I know it to be true, because my father was so sure of it. My father also made me promise to pass down their story to my children, and their children, and so on and so forth. For generations, their story will live on in the hearts and minds of their descendants. It is my father's hope that one day, Kamiya Kaoru will learn of all that has transpired in her absence- that one day she may know of her family. With everlasting love, this journal forever belongs to Kamiya Kaoru- my dear mother, and my father's eternal happiness; the dawn in his life of endless night. I love you, mother.


	7. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"And so, Battousai the manslayer was finally laid to an eternal rest- where he could finally be at peace. And as for his beloved Kaoru- his dawn in the night- she found her descendants years later and received Kenshin's journals. Kaoru always kept them near her, as a reminder of her love from long ago. And though she misses her dear husband, she knows that one day she will see him again, where he will finally be at peace with himself and they will both be happy. The End." The small girls smiled and clapped their hands in applause. One girl yawned and her eyelids drooped.

"Grandma, she's falling asleep again!" the other whined. The woman smiled and lifted the small girl in her frail arms and carried her to her room. She gently rested the child on her bed and tucked her in, kissing her forehead with her papery lips. She turned to the other little girl and tucked her into bed, kissing her forehead too.

"Grandma?" the girl asked before she could leave.

"Yes?" the woman responded softly in the dim light of the room.

"Is Kaoru real?" the girl asked. A ghost of a smile flitted across the woman's lips.

"Of course she is, dear. Himura Kaoru is as real as you and your sister."

"Where is she?" the girl asked. The woman smiled again and pressed her palm to the little girl's heart.

"Nearby. She is always nearby. Whenever you want to find her, just look in your heart, and you'll find her there. She will always be with you and watching over you." The girl yawned and drifted off to sleep. The old woman turned off the lights to the room and silently shut the door behind her before heading towards her own room. She slipped beneath the crisp, cool, covers of her bed and opened up the side drawer to her bedside cabinet, pulling out yellowed, crinkly parchment paper with beautiful calligraphy scrawled neatly across it. She briefly pressed the page to her chest before placing it back in the drawer and turning off the bedside lamp.

The old woman rested her aged head on the fresh pillow and peacefully closed her eyes, a small sigh escaping her lips. And as her breath brushed past her lips, the woman felt more content than she ever had before.

And when she had exhaled the last of her breath, Kaoru intertwined her fingers with Kenshin's at last and was happy again.


End file.
